19 posts tagged “work”

I am giving some thought to a kitchen transformation.  I painted it, but it never felt right.  I didn’t take it far enough, I didn’t touch the cabinets or the floor.  And those things need to be transformed!!!  So…

Hubby is going to be away for the weekend, I’m considering buying some paint and seeing what I can do about another transformation in the kitchen.  It would be more fun if he were here to do the back breaking parts, no doubt.  But I’m a big girl, I can do this.  Now… do I really WANT to tackle it ALONE?  THAT’s the question!!

I have it worked out in my head... I can almost see it... almost taste it... maybe even SMELL it.  It's nothing I haven't done before only not quite this boldly...  Hmmm...  The ideas, there are just SO MANY!

Here are some of my fav inspiration photos:  over at my la bloga

This was my first quilt of the year, and still my favorite I think.  I have a few things to tweak and then it is ready to trim and quilt.  It was inspired partly by the work of textile artist Melody Johnson and partly with themes from my own life.  The three stars represent my children, the fence and the "brick wall" design are themes from my own life with the hurdles we're working at overcoming for this adoption to go through.  It was fun to create this one!  And then a photo of it turned up on Melody's blog side by side with one of hers that was inspiration. 

 

This was my second quilt of the year.  It is shown here before I started any of the quilting so it looks different than this now but it's not done.  Maybe soon.  I created a tutorial of how to make this star and so you can go through a slide show of every step in making this piece if it interests you.  Five pointed stars are pretty unusual in quilt designs.  Most are eight or sometimes six.  I wanted a star that looked more like a star. 

 

This was my third quilt top of the year which I didn't really like until...

 

Adding the border pretty much saved it.  Now I like it after all.  Not sure who I'll get to quilt this one for me.  (Can you believe how beautifully the wind helped me take that photo?!)  Plus, the company that made the fabric assortment followed my blog and ended up sending me free fabric!  And that fabric is AMAZING! 

 Since the last quilt was sooo dull, I had to work with some brights and that's how this small one came about.  It's pretty much just me playing with scraps.  I think I may cut it in half and make front and back of a pillow with it.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Who knows.  It's a good size for machine quilting so maybe sometime I'll try quilting it.  That's number four this year

#5  Then a friend of mine sent me two big boxes of fabric, just de-stashing from her treasure trove on me.  And in one box were these blocks that she had sewn but didn't want any more.  After I played with them for a while, trying to figure out a good layout, this is what I made with them.  When someone else makes the blocks putting them together seems to take no time at all.

Then I added the polka dot border and that was that.  My next move on this one will be to color in some of those dots depending on what colors are nearby.  I've started that and it looks great but I got sidetracked.  Then this one will be ready to quilt.

I call my sixth quilt "Peace, Joy and Hoppiness."  There are cute little dancing frogs in the fabric.  Plus I hand dyed the fabric and created the lettering, both the hand painted letters and the pieced letters.  No pattern or anything, just making it up as I go along.  This one is still very much in progress.  See close up shots of letters and dyed elements here.   

Then I got sidetracked from this one to start quilt number seven.  All the others are pieced and this one is fused instead which turned out to be fun.  It is a little snow scene that is kind of cute.  This one is using some fabric I hand dyed plus some fabric marker details.  I got a little carried away I guess but it was fun. 

The colors on the photo didn't turn out right at all but the general idea is there.  I've worked at machine quilting this one so it looks very different now.  I'm pleased with it.  Very pleased.  Once I get a few more details done and the binding on I'll post photos.  Oh, and I plan to bead this one, it needs falling snow... so the only way I know to do that is add beads.  It's only a matter of time...

And for the fun of it I'm now also working on making three sock monkeys out of ... uh... well... socks!  (saw that coming, did ya?)  I've never tried this before so everything is a learning curve.  They mustly have to be done by hand since there is little about them that works with machine stitches.  I don't have any photos of these yet, my prototype is almost done except he doesn't have ears, eyes, mouth... ya know... details.  And he's buck naked.  Poor monkey.  A friend on facebook wanted to know if she could buy one.  That made me laugh.  Shall I go into the monkey business?

It feels like tomorrow should be Sunday.  We went over to the other house and got the Christmas stuff out of the attic plus a little more furniture.  I put up the Christmas tree, and besides the lights that came on it – it is otherwise naked.  It may stay that way, I lack motivation right now.  It really is something how the light of a Christmas tree brightens up a room!

I had a lovely Thanksgiving day.  We got a lot of work done that made our family room look much better and my kitchen is now much more organized.  Now I move with more certainty when I’m looking for the utensil or bowl I want rather than walking in circles and opening door after door.  Plus we had some family here in the evening and it was a casual and nice time.  They actually stayed into the evening playing Rook with us for a while.  That surprised me more than anything but I guess that was because my sister-in-law and the nephews were not there, so there was no one thinking that the kids needed to get home to bed.  I had the lowest score of them all, which was very strange.  And my brother won despite his protest that it was too late for thinking and being engaged in a card game.  It was a lovely time, and our decision to serve breakfast (waffles, home made blueberry syrup, sausage, potatoes, apple/caramel cake, etc) seemed to be a hit.  I’m all for Thanksgiving, but let’s face it – Turkey is a boring tasteless meat that is difficult to cook in a way other than dry dry dry and there are no real surprises with the rest of the fixens.  I was glad for the change and breakfast is something we do pretty well.  And waffles, who doesn’t love waffles?!

I’m fighting depression.  Moving is always a challenge for me, it takes me a while to settle into a new surroundings.  I’m very visual and the chaos drives me crazy, and it’s a huge help to me to have everything where it goes.  We've never hired a service to do that, so achieving order just takes time.  So it’s a process, and I’m ok with that.  The good news is that I’ve moved so many times since 2000 that now I understand why I am feeling the way I am and can deal with it without being too freaked out.

Secondly, we stillllll own the first house.  And I’m really tired of that.  No recent showings.  And there is a couple from Las Vegas who is planning to move back to the area.  We have been told that our house might be just right for them, and we saw them in church Sunday.  I know they need jobs here before they can make any house decisions at all, and I don’t know if their home in Las Vegas is on the market or sold or anything.  So I don’t know if anything will come of that or not but I’m so tired of owning two houses!  It is such a financial drain.  And seriously, we just don’t need that.  Not now.  How long is this going to take????

Most of the time I’m doing ok with the big question looming about the adoption.  It’s possible that since we don’t have a positive net worth that the whole thing is over.  We won’t know until the folks at the agency are back in the office Monday.  And maybe not even then.  But we’ve sunk a serious amount of money to have it end this way and I’m trying to stay positive about all of this.  I do know that if we can’t adopt as we thought, that it will be another round of grieving.  I would not be looking forward to that.  But along our 19 years of married life (life without birth control) we have faced other losses.  We survived, and we’ll survive again.  And then there would be the question of how we handle the agency.  Which would be worse, the grief or the anger at the agency?  Everything I’ve read says that all these fees are non-refundable.  I think there was one $500 fee that was refundable – I remember thinking how strange that was when I saw it because it was one of the smallest fees of all.  But I don’t think we have paid that one yet.  LOL!  So I’m hoping it’s not over.  But we’ll see.  He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.

My mother talked more about her work situation and the bully she has for a boss.  I have worked some behind the scenes to see if I could get something to change there.  And it doesn’t look like anything has changed yet and I don’t know how far to take it.  Should I take it to the press?  Should I talk it over with Dad?  He’ll try to stop me because they don’t need her to lose her job right now.  I don’t think it’s too much to ask that she not be bullied at work.  But just how often do I need to call her boss and remind him that he needs to be more reasonable with my mother?  It makes me feel like something is reversing – like I’m the mother and she’s the kid.  I don’t need that kind of crazy mojo.  My life is weird enough already.

I’ll be turning 40 on Groundhog’s Day.  And I’ve been noticing the lines on my face more recently.  I’ve got laugh lines and I think laugh lines are great as long as one doesn’t wear make up on them.  Sadly, I also have dark circles under my eyes, so there will usually be makeup in the laugh lines.  NOT the best combo.  I also have frown lines, exacerbated by two scars I have from two separate childhood accidents.  I don’t think those are so great.  I usually don’t even notice my broken nose but I’m seeing the flaws right now more than usual.  And I can see in the faces of family members where my face will sag and grow tired looking.  My brother’s wrinkles look great on him.  All of it looks fine on them, but I can’t imagine looking in the mirror and seeing some of those things happening to me.  Not when I don’t think I’m all that old.  So suddenly I’m all conscious of taking care of my skin.  It’s strange.  I skipped having children (which I always thought of as the symbol that I was a grown up) and moved right into aging.  I’m not impressed.  Oh come on!

And the unsettled feeling from the move is leaking into my work again.  I have no passion for anything right now, I remember this from last time we moved.  I used to find such pleasure in my work but sometimes now I just find it one more boring job of an isolated and lonely life.  I saw a fascinating man on a youtube clip the other day.  He said the first time you do something you’re an artist.  The next time you repeat it you are an engineer.  And the third, forth and so on… then you’re a technician.  That’s my problem.  I’m an artist, and even an engineer.  But I am no technician.  Unfortunately, I fear I am no marketer either.  I need a staff (or something) and I can not afford them as long as we have too freakin many houses!  And so I’m kind of languishing again.  It’s nothing terribly dangerous, it’s just uncomfortable.  But it leads me the same place I always seem to come back to.  Am I in the right place or should I be getting a job?  I’ve given some thought to a Master’s Degree this time around, maybe teaching art.  I think I might enjoy High School students for a (short term) while, but I’d be much more interested in teaching college.  I don’t know if it’s worth it though, a Doctorate might be fun/helluva lot of hard work.  Or it might be another big financial drain.  And in the end, would I like the job?  Would I even be able to get the job around here?  Having the degree would be cool, aspects of having a paying job would be cool.  Would it be right for me?  I don't know.  It can be a cool age group though, young and idealistic, exploring a brave new world...  (and druck off their little asses.)  

I wish I could just get away from it all for a while but there really isn’t a place to go.  So here I am.  It will pass.  I’ll get settled and the snow will come and I’ll build a fire in the fireplace and watch the flakes fall and listen to some great music.  Spring will come and then I’ll find all the bulbs that the previous owner planted in this yard.  That will be lovely.  And my children… well… God only knows if they are more than figments of a vivid imagination.  But they are so real, their names and aspects of their personalities are right there in my head and heart.  I hope it’s not much longer.  I hope it doesn't get much harder.

Well, I have a party Saturday night at my houses and both of them need to be cleaned and all I did today was sit on the sofa and surf the net and nap off and on.  For a couple days I just couldn’t seem to get warm.  And the little annoying sore throat has become the main attraction instead of the side show.  I was waking up in the middle of the night and reaching for the chloraseptic.  Repeatedly.  I hate to think of how much of that stuff I have ingested today.  I’ve tried everything I know of today and only got momentary relief on that front.  I’ve basically done little besides drink, sit on the sofa, and run to the bathroom today. 

I did organize the photo files on my computer, but that doesn’t seem like much at the moment.  And I did spend an inordinate amount of time on Facebook and Vox. 

I have no idea how long I slept, but it was a long nap! 

I think I have backed myself into a corner with my little vacation day and I’m wondering how I’m going to do the Farmer’s Market AND the party Saturday evening.  I don’t want to call off the party, it is so hard to get my family together.  And it looks like the weather for the Farmer’s Market should be sunny and about 68 degrees which is a veritable heat wave.  Of course when I get on location at 6:30 am, it won’t be 68 degrees! 

I really need the money, so I really need to be there.  Can’t say I’m looking forward to six hours outside in the cold though. 

Oh for a self cleaning house. 

I could let the dogs help with the dishes.  They might like that.  I wonder if the people would mind? 

Would someone please buy this house already?!  I don’t WANT two houses.  Cleaning one is enough!

My throat hurts.

Well, we have started the bathroom remodel!  I had hoped to get a new floor down in the bathroom, and work at replacing the bath tub surround.  And I even dreamed of a little paint here and there.  We just didn’t get nearly that much done yesterday.  We did manage to get all the stuff moved out of the bathroom into our bedroom. (piles #1,2)  We did manage to get the tools out and all the stuff we need to finish the job (piles #3, 4, 5 and 6.)  And I did manage to do some power shopping for shower curtain, rug, etc for the finished bathroom.  (pile #7)  So the “to do list” is long and the piles are high.  I suppose I’d better get home and see what I can accomplish today. 

Well, I need to get back to work but thought I’d brake for a moment here.  I got to work this morning at 8:30 a.m. and just got home at 8:30 p.m.  I have a little more to get done tonight yet then I will call it a day.

The TV is on, we are watching the opening ceremonies and all I can think is “wow!”  What it must be like to be there and experiencing that first hand.  Now I don’t like crowds of 1000, so I’d really hate a crowd of 90,000, but still.  It’s pretty amazing!  How on EARTH did they do THAT!  Freaking incredible.

I got involved in updating my website today.  It is progress and progress is good.  It just reminds me of how much needs to be done, but it will come as I have time.  I also spent some considerable time photographing my newer stuff, so I should be able to make more updates soon.  I should also be able to post some more goodies on etsy.com.  That will be good.

I’ve been thinking about my hair.  I am almost tempted to go to a friend of mine to have her do something – anything to it.  I have cut my own hair for years and I enjoy the creative process actually.   I realize that it takes me much longer to do it myself than it would to have someone else do it.  Only two other women have ever cut my hair, my mom and my mom’s hairdresser.  I’m ready for some sort of change.  Either much shorter or a different color or both.  I still find myself seriously tempted by having it something like an inch long (or shorter) all over my head and some fun color.  Either super blonde or a blue that matches my eyes.  I don’t know.  It would be fun to actually have some seriously long extensions put in, but I’m not paying the money for that.

I’m still enjoying the opening ceremonies.  I have a bunch of soap to wrap so I suppose I’ll get back to work.  I can to that and still watch so that’s good.  I need to get my work done and get to bed.  I’ll be trying to crawl my tired bones out of bed at 5 a.m. for the Farmer’s Market in the morning.  It will be a good one!

Oh, and feel free to check out my newly updated website:  carmenrosestudio.com

I fear that I am fundamentally and annoyingly flawed.  On the other hand, this has worked for me so far...  And I’m wondering if I really have the actual desire to change. 

I grew up in a home of workaholic entrepreneurs.  My brother was older than me and out of the house pretty quickly, so I was home alone a lot.  Sometimes I was frightened and would hide in the house away from the windows.  I was convinced someone was watching me.  Other times I’d play piano into the darkness and my worries and fears just melted away as I and my piano sang out musical prayers.  My parents were gone a lot.  Sometimes I was sent to my grandmother’s house for safe keeping and the two of us would work, eat, or watch tv together.  Whether it was a result of my growing up experiences or just a matter of preference – I grew into being alone and began to prefer it.  Maybe just for the familiarity of it all.  Maybe for the way I could organize and order my own world without distractions. 

I remain a strongly task oriented person, that has been a constant theme in my nearly 40 years.  Sometimes I prefer a task to be accomplished to time spent with people.  Yet I need the companionship.  I struggle to find the balance between alone time and time spent in the company of others.  And when I have work that is under deadline, I sometimes really dislike having people around.  Like the wedding cake this weekend – I didn’t want other people in the kitchen, but I was working in the church kitchen and could not close out the world.  I closed all the doors and that was ignored by the group in the next room and they kept up a steady stream of invasions.  I shut the door – they came in anyway and then left the door open when they left.  I got annoyed.  See?  The presence of people in my private world can sometimes be described as nothing other than an invasion.  And at the wedding I was to cut the cake.  It was too loud and too hot and I wanted nothing more than to get that over with so I could get home to my quiet sanctuary.

I know there have been many times over the years when I’ve treated people as distractions as I hyper focused on the work at hand.  I could have taken a little longer, laid down the work and zero’d in on the people.  But time after time I’ve chosen not to.  A friend of mine told me that I don’t like people.  And she’s completely right.  I don’t.  I find plenty of stupidity and annoying qualities in the general population, and people in large quantities are not to be tolerated.  But yet in another sense, I love people.  Usually in situations where people are my task – like public speaking or selling product - then I do quite well.  I love one on one in depth conversations, or a leisurely dinner with interesting people.  I have a few people in my life bugging me to go to lunch with them but I often forget to take the time to do that.  I love making improv music with a few other musicians, just waiting and watching to see where the Spirit takes us.  I even like the creative process when a number of people are engaged together in a democratic work of art.  Those kinds of things can be very cool indeed.  But they are the exception rather than the rule.

Part of it is physical pain.  I don’t want to be around people when the body hurts because it’s just so much harder to be amiable.  I get really judgemental about little things and find myself saying really rude things internally to people like:  “I’m doing my best to be nice to you and grin through the pain you want to talk to me for 20 minutes about your frumpy little PURSE!!??  I don’t give a rat’s ass about your PURSE!!! Can we move on please!!”  Thankfully I rarely open my mouth with things like that but believe me, I think it.  If they were talking about something REAL it would be no problem, but the petty little stuff really just sends me. 

I am frustrated with a diagnosis that doesn’t seem to explain what happens with me.  Why does it seem so seasonal?  I can do one set of activities one time and be perfectly fine and two months later repeat the same activity and be very nearly flat on my back from the pain.  What?  WHY!  I go to the Doc for back pain and she runs a million tests – none of which include an x-ray of my back.  So, I realize I’m not the Doc, but doesn’t it seem like you’d check the skeleton?  Argh!  I don’t want to go back and be told I’m just not lifting right and take more Advil.  Honey, I can lift RIGHT and still be in big pain the next day right now.  And I don’t WANT to be taking the pills this often… that will lead to its own set of issues and that is NOT what I consider a cure/treatment. 

I was at a band practice recently and I came in and sat down at the piano.  I was fine, but it wasn’t long before I wasn’t fine.  I got really antsy and then I started to communicate with the leader that it would be cool if we could get the show on the road (quit lollygagging around) and get out of there soon.  I guess he wasn’t real fond of the vibe he was getting because he stopped all of us to pray.  That’s when I realized that I was antsy because I was having a back episode and the pain was steadily increasing the longer I sat on that piano bench and I needed to get home right away and lie down.  I had made the commitment to be there and felt that I couldn’t leave without drawing undo attention to myself.  Yet I had no pain killer in my purse and there wasn’t anything I could do about this escalation of pain in my back.  I was fighting to keep it together, sometimes just on the verge of tears.  That time I wasn’t rude to anyone, I just went really internal and quiet and fought to keep my focus on the music.  And the second he released us I was out of there like a flash.  I went home and after a while the meds kicked in and I was fine.  The major frustration was simply wanting to be alone when the pain had started to increase.  I just wanted nothing more than to be at home alone.

So does my preference for isolation come from the way I was raised, or is it a matter of my design?  Or is it something that I unconsciously chose because of the way my body feels at times?  I don’t know.  I am coming to believe that it’s time to be a little more aware of what happens when I’m working and someone distracts or interrupts or seeks to break my focus.  I am fully capable of being a rude bitch but I hate myself when I go there.  So as an old friend would say  “There is a ditch on either side of the road.”  I have to find that place of balance where I can work with people around and take the time to focus on THEM when need be.  Sometimes that means that I’ll be working on a project a little longer… which may also mean I’m putting off relief for my back.  Oh well.  I know in my head and heart that there are people who are SO worth it.  And I already have been given amazing opportunities to invest in people and I have loved being able to do that.  I guess I’m sensing that this is just the next level.  I’ve got to be able to prioritize the focus, sometimes the people will be more important than the task.  Even if it prolongs the pain. 

I see the need for change.  And I’m trying to be willing to change.  I know God can help me change.  Although I must admit... I DON'T want any circumstances to test whether or not I have actually changed.  J

I am engaged in work avoidance behavior at the moment.  I have so much that NEEDS doing… like cleaning out my studio.  Oh, it NEEDS to be done.  The chaos is really annoying.  But do I really want to do it today?  And how about the website that I need to finish up for a friend.  There isn’t a tremendous amount of incentive, I’ll admit.  Cause I said I’d do it for free.  And I really am happy to do it.  It’s just that when I look at the list of work that needs to be done – that isn’t what jumps out at me.  I need to make soap, but I’ve been at that so furiously lately that I could really use the break.  And I need to finish my writing project.  Yes, that is very important.  Still… I look for something else.  Maybe I’ll see if I can exact some order on the chaos that is my studio.  Then again, maybe I’ll blog for a while or do a Sudoku puzzle or something.  Yeah, I think I shall take it easy this morning.  Last week was Soooooo long!

I am soooo tired and the pain killers I took earlier didn’t even phase the back pain.  I know I was supposed to be pacing myself but I guess that didn't work out so good.  I am working at bringing together details for our fund raiser this Saturday evening.  I’ve got more work to do between now and then and I really hope I can get it all done.  I’ll have help the night of the event and that is great.  My in-laws will arrive Friday night.  So on top of everything else we need to get the house looking good enough for guests.  I know that the event will be fun and we’ll enjoy ourselves.  And it should be fun to see how people respond to the chocolate we’ve worked so hard on.  And I know that afterwards I’m going to be really really tired.  But we’ll have guests, even after the party is over.  And Sunday afternoon when I’d like to sleep for four hours to recover from this incredibly long week?  We’ll still have guests.  I have thought about it.  And it’s just going to have to be ok for me to not play the hostess this time.  I am not happy about it.  But I’m thinking that’s just going to have to be the way it is this time.  I'm not built for marathons.  Who am I kidding?  I'm not even built for a good sprint.

is so much harder than it seems like it should be.  But that's what I'm looking for.  Balance.  I know my days as a cake decorator are numbered and I know I want to go back to full time artist as soon as possible.  I’m just trying to get an image in my head of what will work for me.  Especially in light of some physical issues I’m dealing with.

 

I struggle with back pain.  And I really thought I’d found a good solution when I pulled out an old pain prescription and cut the pills in half.  I could use one half of a pill on a day when the pain levels were higher and achieve a pretty nice six hours of relief along with an emotional lift.  I wasn’t using it often – maybe only once a week.  But it was working for me.  Then my current doctor said two things.  First, the prescription was out of date.  Second, this pain med is addictive.  *gulp!*  She said to go back to Advil.  *grump!*  But it just doesn’t work as well and I feel like I’m taking so much and still not getting much relief.  I’m frustrated!

 

With this in mind I’m trying to give some thought to how I want things to be.  I know I can not decorate cakes all day, it kills my back.  And I’ve been reminded over the last few days that I can not sit at the desk in the studio all day, working on the computer or making jewelry, it kills my back.  So even though I love to immerse myself in my work – I can’t. 

 

I’m one of those people with “hyper-focus” which means when I’m in, I’m pretty much all in.  I hate interruptions and I can go on a single project for days while everything else just kind of fades into the background except for the work.  That is my preferred mode, and the way I’m wired.  But my body just can’t take working like that anymore.  I’ve got to change, because my body already has started to change.  But mentally and emotionally, I’m still going to be focused and committed to the things I’m working on.  How can I work within the framework of my own skin?  I am really not sure.

 

I have not given notice at the bakery for that one reason.  As I left the bakery this afternoon I wondered to myself why I’m still there.  There are aspects about it that I really find frustrating and parts I enjoy, but right now the frustrations are considerably outweighing the rest.  Why am I doing this to myself?  Well, mainly because I realize that quitting that job and going back to full time jewelry design is not going to fix the chronic pain I feel in my back.  And that is the real frustration.  So I really don’t know what to do. 

 

Balance.  Seems like it would be as simple as standing on one foot and compensating by shifting my weight.  It's just not as easy as it looks.