I saw a friend’s facebook status update. She hates Mother’s Day because of the recent loss of her mother. My heart went out to her. I have grown to hate Mother’s Day, but for different reasons.
My hubby and I don’t have children and I learned over the years not to put myself through going to church on Mother’s and Father’s Days. Generally speaking for a childless couple, church on those days is an exercise in innocent torture devices. And since I’m no fan of silent unseen knives and daggers… I’ve learned to skip.
I remember walking in on a conversation that my Father-in-law was having with someone about Father’s Day at church. He was griping that their church didn’t celebrate it much because it caused pain for infertile couples and he went on at length about how wrong that was. He said being a father is something that should be celebrated and he didn’t know why that should be taken away from him just because some people are touchy. He said he’d been a good father and he was proud of that. And in his opinion this sensitivity thing had gone so far that it took the fun out of things for everyone. I said nothing, just walked away as he continued to expound on the theme. I suppose it was worth pointing out that one infertile couple in a congregation can ruin the celebration of Mother’s Day for everyone by being all selfish and thin skinned (providing the celebration has actually been tailored with any sensitivity whatsoever.) It really is such an audacity to suggest that church should NOT be the place where one’s raw places are treated to a deluxe case of superiority and insensitivity. And yes, he knew I was in the room observing the conversation. And yes, he knew our situation. And yes, he blithered on like a leaky faucet anyway. (Emphatic Explicative!)
Jesus said "Forgive them for they know not what they do." But what about when they DO know what they are doing and do it anyway? Still then? (Yeah!) There are aspects of this "follower of Jesus" thing is no walk in the park. Good thing I don't have to do it by myself.
I’ve seen the outline for the service for Sunday. I’ve been given the week off the worship team and I will be mercifully absent. And I suspect there will be some other empty seats as well. Hubby on the other hand, has to run sound and will attend despite what is planned.
I’m glad there is a Mother’s Day. I wouldn’t want to dampen the joy for anyone because motherhood is indeed a cool thing. All kinds of deserving (and undeserving) mammals get the singular pleasure of delivering a beautiful tiny helpless version of them (or die trying.) And generally speaking, after the initial mess is over with, baby animals are really cool, especially baby humans. There is so much destiny and purpose in each deep breath of life filling up those tiny lungs! Yeah, there is definitely something about the little screamers!
And one day that will be me. We have started the adoption process and it’s entirely possible that my children are already out there somewhere. And if they are born, then they are already mine – whether or not I can hold them tonight. But we are not far enough along in the process to have a referral so it’s still pretty hard to wrap my head around that at the moment. We’re just in a weird in-between phase. And maybe this will be my last year skipping the indecencies of a Sunday morning torture session. And maybe not.
There will come a time when I’ll celebrate Mother’s Day with my children around me, grateful that finely there was an answer to a prayer I’ve prayed for nearly two decades. But I’ll never celebrate without an eye out for those with tears in their eyes on that day. And I’ll understand far too well why their spot at church may be empty on certain Sundays. And I’ll add my own prayers to all of theirs in the hopes that God will give them the desires of their hearts. Yes, my turn will come. But I will never forget what it was like to be on the outside looking in. Yes, for a long time, all Abraham had were the stars in a dark night sky.
]]>Well, I love creating big events. I really enjoy the challenge of creating a celebration that people will enjoy. I haven’t done this since the Katrina Benefit concert and I’m feeling all kinds of insecurities with this one. I don’t mind raising money for any good cause – but when the money goes to benefit me, (well, our adoption) suddenly I’m all bashful. I’ve been just thinking of these events as a way to share the joy of this adoption with our friends and family, I just have to stay focused on that.
I’ve really been through the ringer with this event though, so many fears and insecurities have really been playing leap frog through my head. What if the (name of family from church) family shows up with their (I can’t remember how many) unfettered children? They’d make short work of a bunch of dainty chocolate, those kids have skills! And there is that dear sweet man that puts away a whole huge portion of desert in the time it takes him to walk from the buffet back to his table. Then it’s time to go back and fill that empty plate. Suddenly I’m frightened of a grown man and little grabby children!?! THEY should be afraid of ME! LOL!
On the flip side, I’m terrified that my mother may be right. Oh, she says I’ve made waaaay too much. And she doesn’t like the flavors I made and on and on. Hubby thinks people may treat the truffles like M&M’s. I even fear that there is a chance that we went to all this trouble for a very small crowd. But I’ve made flavors that I think are really really good, so if there are lots and lots of leftovers I’ll just pretend I’m a member of the above mentioned family. And then I’ll pack up a bunch up to give away to people I like.
The in-laws are coming, the in-laws are coming. Yeah, the same father-in-law who wants to ask the owner of the gallery why that painting isn’t $8 instead of $4000. He’s an adorable sweet little man, but “Art & Chocolate” isn’t exactly his thing. And Hubby’s Mom will be a big help with food and clean up. And when the event is over, I’ll be vanishing to nap for a nice long while and leaving the in-laws for Hubby to entertain. That will be lovely.
Come to think of it, I have conservative Mennonite family members who may feel a little uncomfortable with this event. I make my living selling things like jewelry – which is something they don’t wear because of their scriptural convictions. And their church doesn’t allow musical instruments and we’ll have a violin and harp duo there. I am free to create my work outside their realm, indeed I feel that I have a scriptural mandate to release the beauty of God in the earth. I happen to do that through jewelry and I have no apologies for anyone on that.
So even with all my insecurities and fears, I am going to make it through this event. It was great to read R.G. Ryan’s post this morning and it really helped me to kick in some perspective. I AM GOING (pant!) to MAKE IT (pant pant!) through (pant, pant!) this event! It’s Art & Chocolate – what’s not to love?! And if it is horrible, I’ll go home and take a pain pill and go to bed. And then it really will be sweet.
With a nod to R.G. Ryan’s “Toxic Thought” post this morning, here is a fresh perspective. You see, the truth of this event is simple. I’m an artistically gifted individual. Don’t worry – that’s not as arrogant as it sounds. Cause I know that this gift did not come from me so I can’t take the credit. We ARE ALL GIFTED in some way or another as God chooses. I happen to be able to create art and people don’t seem to have any problem buying it up. I happen to love sharing really marvelous chocolate, and I know that sometimes people really don’t mind buying that either. (At least I don’t mind shelling out big bucks for the good stuff.) And when it came time to celebrate the fact that it seems that God is FINALLY going to allow us to become a family – well – what better way to celebrate than to share a bit of who we are with our friends and family? So yeah, I’ve had a real time of it with this event. I’ve been very insecure and afraid at times. But that doesn’t change the pure and simple truth of the purpose of the evening. We are going to be who we are and share ourselves with our friends and family as they share in the process of bringing home our children. And I think that’s cool. No matter how freaked out I am about it.
]]>I saw her in a crowd of people having a party outside on a warm Summer day. I knew she was my daughter. She had brown hair and brown eyes and she looked a lot like her daddy. We left the group, just the two of us to walk together for a while. I knew she wasn’t mine yet, but that I could borrow her for a little while. She came up to about my shoulder and I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hers was around my waist. We walked like that for a while. As we returned to the group and she slipped away, I woke up from the dream.
I'm putting together a mailing to raise money for our adoption. Maybe I'll be able to meet this girl I walked with in my dreams. I'm really looking forward to that.
]]>What gift from a parent do you remember the most?
Submitted by jorge456.
I remember receiving a simple amethyst solitaire necklace when I was young. It wasn’t particularly valuable but it was the first time my mom had given me jewelry and I really liked that because my parents were very conservative and this was an extravagance for them. We were on a trip and I wore it everywhere, but somehow I lost it. I cried because I wanted them to know that I had really appreciated the gift and so I made a big fuss over the loss even though it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. But mom commented to dad that if I was going to get this overly emotional about a simple piece of jewelry that maybe I wasn’t ready for that kind of gift. And that was the end of that.
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