A friend sent out a mass email this morning about tomorrow being the National Day of Prayer and how important it is to pray. And my initial reaction was strong and negative. It was “What good is prayer when hearts and minds of the people are already made up and God has been stuffed in a tiny little church shaped box, sealed with a kiss and put on the upper shelf in the closet?”
Uh…
yeah!
Surprised me too!
And this is exactly what pastor preached about Sunday. He talked about how we quit praying when we get disillusioned about how ineffective our prayers sometimes feel. And I watched a beautiful couple come forward and pray again for children. And since I’ve been there I about lost it. I was playing piano and could clearly see the pain in their prayer. It was horrible in a really risky vulnerable beautiful sort of way. Lots of tears and in that little clump of praying faithful ones.
So… I’m trying to wriggle my way out of my unbelief and fatalism and try on something a little more like hope and faith… Yeah, let’s pray for our nation tomorrow. Not because it’s the National Day of Prayer (which means little to me.) But because God is big enough to change hearts and minds, and prayer is still the avenue he chooses to use to bring about that change. We need Him. I need Him. I have friends who need Him. My children need Him. Yeah, but most of all I need Him.
]]>Well, I love creating big events. I really enjoy the challenge of creating a celebration that people will enjoy. I haven’t done this since the Katrina Benefit concert and I’m feeling all kinds of insecurities with this one. I don’t mind raising money for any good cause – but when the money goes to benefit me, (well, our adoption) suddenly I’m all bashful. I’ve been just thinking of these events as a way to share the joy of this adoption with our friends and family, I just have to stay focused on that.
I’ve really been through the ringer with this event though, so many fears and insecurities have really been playing leap frog through my head. What if the (name of family from church) family shows up with their (I can’t remember how many) unfettered children? They’d make short work of a bunch of dainty chocolate, those kids have skills! And there is that dear sweet man that puts away a whole huge portion of desert in the time it takes him to walk from the buffet back to his table. Then it’s time to go back and fill that empty plate. Suddenly I’m frightened of a grown man and little grabby children!?! THEY should be afraid of ME! LOL!
On the flip side, I’m terrified that my mother may be right. Oh, she says I’ve made waaaay too much. And she doesn’t like the flavors I made and on and on. Hubby thinks people may treat the truffles like M&M’s. I even fear that there is a chance that we went to all this trouble for a very small crowd. But I’ve made flavors that I think are really really good, so if there are lots and lots of leftovers I’ll just pretend I’m a member of the above mentioned family. And then I’ll pack up a bunch up to give away to people I like.
The in-laws are coming, the in-laws are coming. Yeah, the same father-in-law who wants to ask the owner of the gallery why that painting isn’t $8 instead of $4000. He’s an adorable sweet little man, but “Art & Chocolate” isn’t exactly his thing. And Hubby’s Mom will be a big help with food and clean up. And when the event is over, I’ll be vanishing to nap for a nice long while and leaving the in-laws for Hubby to entertain. That will be lovely.
Come to think of it, I have conservative Mennonite family members who may feel a little uncomfortable with this event. I make my living selling things like jewelry – which is something they don’t wear because of their scriptural convictions. And their church doesn’t allow musical instruments and we’ll have a violin and harp duo there. I am free to create my work outside their realm, indeed I feel that I have a scriptural mandate to release the beauty of God in the earth. I happen to do that through jewelry and I have no apologies for anyone on that.
So even with all my insecurities and fears, I am going to make it through this event. It was great to read R.G. Ryan’s post this morning and it really helped me to kick in some perspective. I AM GOING (pant!) to MAKE IT (pant pant!) through (pant, pant!) this event! It’s Art & Chocolate – what’s not to love?! And if it is horrible, I’ll go home and take a pain pill and go to bed. And then it really will be sweet.
With a nod to R.G. Ryan’s “Toxic Thought” post this morning, here is a fresh perspective. You see, the truth of this event is simple. I’m an artistically gifted individual. Don’t worry – that’s not as arrogant as it sounds. Cause I know that this gift did not come from me so I can’t take the credit. We ARE ALL GIFTED in some way or another as God chooses. I happen to be able to create art and people don’t seem to have any problem buying it up. I happen to love sharing really marvelous chocolate, and I know that sometimes people really don’t mind buying that either. (At least I don’t mind shelling out big bucks for the good stuff.) And when it came time to celebrate the fact that it seems that God is FINALLY going to allow us to become a family – well – what better way to celebrate than to share a bit of who we are with our friends and family? So yeah, I’ve had a real time of it with this event. I’ve been very insecure and afraid at times. But that doesn’t change the pure and simple truth of the purpose of the evening. We are going to be who we are and share ourselves with our friends and family as they share in the process of bringing home our children. And I think that’s cool. No matter how freaked out I am about it.
]]>There was about an hour in my day today that felt electric. I felt some of the cloud of depression give just a little, and I got a glimmer of hope. I’d like to say I had a spiritual epiphany that I finally found God in a way that made it all better. Nope. He wasn’t lost. That would be me. Uh… moving on…
It all happened in the space of a few moments but we spent hours afterward considering the possible consequences. Sorry, I’ll have to be rather vague here but what I can say… SUDDENLY: An invitation to apply for a job at a place where I shop often and spend much moolah followed only a few seconds later by a phone call that brought both of us to a nearly giddy place of contemplating some serious improvement in our financial situation. Oy! Just for a second there I had a burst of hope and possibility. Just for a moment I saw just how seriously sad I am and how much that “stuckness” is draining the life from me, maybe even making me physically ill. Shocking to see yourself that way, but it was also strangely hopeful.
So I have a plan.
I'm going to dream again. Yes I am!
I’m going to spend some time clarifying my vision – what is it that I really want to see happen here? What can I possibly discern of what God wants to see happen here? Do a little dreaming, right furiously in my journal and stare wide eyed into space while my tea grows cold and my dogs nap on the floor by me. Hmmm…. Sounds yummy!
I’m going to apply for that job. *giggle!* Yeah, actually I already have. (I've applied twice before and came so close... but not close enough) But don’t tell anyone... It’s our little secret. J More money and an employee discount that kicks ass and benefits? For real? Pinch me!
I’m going to do whatever it takes to get the process rolling on the other opportunity. No grass growing under my feet there. No sir!
I’ve been thinking again about the next phase of business for me. I am going to put some serious thought into that once more, pray a lot, create a plan and then see what I can do to work it on out. Especially with kids added into the mix… hmmm… that’s going to be an interesting brainstorming session! Yeah baby!
And I’m going to get into another writing project. I wish they did NaNoWriMo any month of the year and at any given time you could log in and write a book with a bunch of other people somewhere around the world. I’d totally dig that right now. It helped to have that artificial pressure – otherwise… uh… what was I sayin?
To celebrate my happy moment I bought shelves for my laundry room. So once I get the kitchen backsplash tile project finished (or sooner) I’ll be dragging the chaos out of the laundry room and putting up those shelves and bringing back ORDER. Hallelujah!
Hope just feels good all over.
]]>A friend’s blog contained the question “What do you want?” with a related question having to do with whether or not you're praying for what you want. It’s an interesting thought, especially since it’s really easy to get wrapped up in life and lose track of those things that are really near and dear to us. Suddenly we find the important things slipping away as the mundane atrocities of life choke out the dreaming, desiring and hoping aspects of our being. We get wrapped up in the temporal desires and needs and completely lose focus on those things that we desire that are of a more eternal nature.
I have a desire that’s pretty unusual, judging from the practice of life I’ve observed. I want to go to a church that I’m excited about. An emerging church that looks like some of the books I have on my reading list. Seriously, I want to be involved with an emerging church with people I respect who are so outside the box that we make a new box and invite people in. (Not because we are spiritually superior, but because we are interesting.) I want to work with the church to help poor and needy people in our community and do community service projects instead of services some weeks.
I don’t want it to meet in a normal church building or be a “normal” church at all and definitely not on Sunday morning. (another barf.) We could meet at the park for all I care. I want a full tilt dangerous honest to goodness church where people finally “get it” that it’s not about a service – yet it’s about service. It’s not a building centric thing but could happily meet in a variety of places. And since it’s about community, it would be cool if we all lived close enough together that we could really become intentional community, and share our stuff and help each other out by bartering services among the members and really connecting with people on a deeper level. No religion, no pretense, and for heavens sake - if you don’t want to be at the gathering then don’t come! Oh, and there should be food involved! Good food! And tables seem to go good with the eating thing. Uh, and chairs.
Oh, and if I’m going to have to show up to some sort of service, then I want it to be a full tilt artsy thing with lots of interesting stuff going on. Incense is good, and artwork that changes each week would be cool. My brother is carving a cross and it progresses a little each week at his church. Now how cool would that be?! I want lots of dancers doing their thing, I love it when the dancers “dance upon injustice.” I love it when they use big fabrics, banners, flags and Chinese ribbons. These things delight me. No preach praying allowed, poetry hoped for and plenty of reading from the Song of Solomon – which also delights me, and the Psalms which are better yet. And I like the big projection screens with lots of excellent color and artwork! Go ahead, distract me! I like it! I want to try all kinds of traditions and not do the same thing twice for any reason – especially not because that’s how we did it before. Couldn’t someone read the introduction to “The Hobbit” one time? I could gladly preach on that. Let’s use donut holes for communion for crying out loud, and maybe the health freaks can refrain from making an unholy uproar over it for just once. And music! There must be lots of music of a variety of styles. I want to play and sing in the worship team that is full of really killer good musicians who are also actually interesting people. I want some “harp and bowl” worship along with whatever other kind of music makes God’s people happy.
And there should be prayer. Prayer for people individuals, about things that matter. Not just about so and so who is in the hospital – those kinds of prayer requests we talk about just to fill up uncomfortable space. But the real prayer requests we are scared to share cause they make us look… uh… human. Real. Transparent. Authentic. Human.
I guess my prayer about church is pretty much swallowed up in complacency most of the time. I go and stomach the ordinariness of it most of the time. Sometimes for brief flashes I’m engaged and intent on what is happening around me. If something is happening around me. And I want to be a part of the story, writing the story, living the story.
I told my mom when I was a little kid, I wanted to be in the next books they add to the Bible. Hmmm… yeah, didn’t quite strike the chord with her that it could have, but it’s still pretty much true. I just want to be involved in the next chapters, that’s all.
I know many of my ideas are pretty strange on this one, plenty of religious folk would be rightfully concerned about such disrespect for tradition and predictability. And any lessor God would have squished me by now, especially since I find a lot of His people especially annoying. But I have somehow escaped so far. Thank God. For real. Thank God.
]]>Hi all you lovely voxers! How on earth are ya?
We went to see Desmond Tutu speak. And it was good. Actually, there were parts of it I found kind of fascinating in a sick sort of way. All the presenting of awards and resolutions and flowery words of congratulations and glory, laud and honor… well… It kind of made me a little sick. I mean Desmond Tutu is human. Not a god. Now, don’t get me wrong, I respect what the man did and his current work for peace and restorative justice, AIDS and other issues. He has my absolute deepest personal respect. But what seems to be unsettling in the back of my mind is that it wasn’t that long ago that this man was living the hunted life. And where were these self same individuals who were stumbling over themselves the compliment him at this event? Were they involved in the struggle? Did they speak out back then? When the situation was life and death for many black South Africans?
When the little man walked into the arena the place went crazy wild with a thunderous noise. And just for a moment a room full of diverse individuals were altogether pacifists with a shared deep respect for Dr. Martin Luther King, Ghandi, Mandela and yes… Desmond Tutu. For a moment, there was a whole group of people who together saw and abhorred the evils of racism, poverty and the use of violence in the earth. And for that brief moment I was transported with delight. But tomorrow… Well, count me a realist, a cynic, even a jerk if you like… but will these six thousand people be pacifists tomorrow? Will they speak out about the Iraq war tomorrow? Will there be any talk of justice – not western retributive justice – but the redress and restorative justice that restores balance? Will there be any talk of putting an end to poverty tomorrow? Of changing our world and leaving it a more beautiful and peaceful place for our children? Or will these six thousand people go back to a normal American life where African conflicts are a world away, voting for individuals who will chose violence with the goal of peace, and torture, rendition, Gitmo and other abhorrent atrocities are used by OUR OWN GOVERNMENT?! The fruit of peace never grows on the tree of violence. Never did, never will.
So I have mixed feelings about the event where we heard Desmond Tutu speak. For a brief moment we had a glimpse of a world – not as it is – but as it could be. And it was good. It was the triumph of good over evil, shining light over the dark void, enlightenment over ignorance. We applauded this man who stood strong and true in a dangerous and dark world with blood and pain all around – half a world away – while we went about our lives. It’s easy to jump on a hero after he’s proved himself. But while he is in a dangerous place all by himself – standing firm – then he’s just another lunatic. And the world didn’t bow at his door then as they do now.
Ok, really, if I’d have had the chance to hear Desmond Tutu speak, minus all the pomp and circumstance – I’d take that chance. This was not that. Oh well. He’s energetic and enthusiastic and a joyful and slightly irreverent man. I adored his message and I hope it turns up on Youtube somewhere. I have the slight feeling that it’s the same speech for every honor he receives, and the list is so long that his mind couldn’t list them – even if he had the heart to try. Something in me still resists this though. Sure, it’s easy to jump on this band wagon and bless this man now that he has survived and become very popular. But what about back then? When the injustice was fresh and bloody? Evil triumphs when good people remain silent. And for those who were silent about ‘just another bloody African conflict’ back then, shouldn’t get to stand on stage and laud this man now. But of course I don’t know all these wonderful Majors, Trustees, Ambassadors and other such grand poobas and big cheeses. Maybe I’m just being a harsh judge for people I do not know. Who am I to judge anyway?
I’m still a pacifist. I’m still mightily annoyed by the Iraq War, Gitmo, rendition, torture and a host of other evils perpetrated by my own government. I struggle to put those thoughts into words and I may never do it as well as Desmond Tutu does, with as much grace or humor. But tomorrow I’ll still be the same person as I was the night he spoke. I’ll still be seeking to love justice, mercy and walk humbly – just like Desmond Tutu in the days when the battle raged at his doorstep.
]]>I dropped by the bakery again last evening and spent a few more moments with the boss again. She was just taking three of the most beautiful apple pies out of the oven, I’ve never seen such a beautiful pie! She wanted to know what hubby dear thought, and when I said he feels very positive about it – she seemed to breathe a huge sigh of relief. I had an hourly figure in mind and asked her if that would work for her. The answer was an immediate YES! And she also seemed relieved that I hadn’t asked for more on that front. So then it was just a question of when, and she just said that the Lord knew what she needed and He would provide. Um, yeah! That’s nice to hear – she’s seeing me as God’s provision. That’s funny, that’s how I see her!
And so all that was left was to talk to the Pizza Bosses and give notice for the end of this week. Two weeks notice would have put me in the middle of the move and moving a lot of heavy boxes just isn’t something I can do anyway. So I called Boss Lady last night, and they were fine with that. I didn’t get an ounce of grief from them at all. TYL! I tried to reach my favorite co-worker who happens to be on vacation this week, and haven’t been successful with that yet, but I know she knows because I talked to her boyfriend last evening. So I’ll miss her a lot, I hope I don’t lose her as a friend, I really enjoy her!
Ok, taking a minute to let my head stop spinning! I just had a whim, followed it, got a job offer, gave notice and accepted the offer all in one day! Um, yeah! For real! I don’t want to wake up from this dream.
Speaking of dreams, I had another pizza nightmare last night. I was in the back room of a huge restaurant, the whole room got seated while I was out and I came back in to find ten tables waiting for service. So I decided I was going to start at one side and go around and take everyone’s order, but when these people started to order, it was like they were speaking another language. I left to quickly see what was on the bar but there were a bunch of girls on roller skates in the hallway so I couldn’t get through, and when I finally found a bar, it was a salad bar. I woke up. Where were the servers? Where was the drink station? Where was the kitchen? Oy! I’m so glad my pizza days are almost over! I’m tired of the waitress anxiety dreams. I do hope they end after the job ends!
So I’m headed for the Pizza place this morning to work and tell my co-workers and favorite customers where they can find me next week. Hubby dear found my cake portfolio in the storage unit last night, so I will drop that by the cake place this morning on the way to work. I hope they like what they see. I have more photographs somewhere but I have to find them, if I can. Like finding a needle in a haystack.
I’m shaking my head, who know change would come this quickly?! I’m hopeful that this is a good change for my New Year! Thanks all you foxy voxers for being out there!
Wow!
And Ginger! Girl – when the time comes you’re getting the best wedding cake ever!!!! We can even match the cake to the color of your hair! Or a zillion Ginger Snaps with decorations on them... LOL! J
]]>Yeah.
I went into work this morning at the pizza place. They told me I wasn’t on the schedule, and I went back to look. Hunter is on today, so I guess this is his shot at getting his act together. That will be good for him. That’s Boss Lady’s way of making him sink or swim. So I hung out briefly with my favorite co-workers and enjoyed them for a while, then I stepped outside the pizza place, and took in a long deep breath of freedom. Yeah, baby! That feels gooooood!
I started walking back up the hill toward my studio when I had a thought. A friend of mine had been talking about this local bakery, it gets rave reviews from everyone. I’ve decorated cakes for years, won some awards here and there. I’ve been there done that, and I’m pretty good at it.
I walked in, took a look around and liked it. I saw the cakes they had available and the other things on the menu. It’s a really cute place, very nicely done. And I met the Boss Lady, and I immediately liked her. And I asked her if this was a good time to talk to her about employment. She said yeah. We spent about an hour together and I didn’t hear a single red flag in that time. I really did fall for her completely. I picked up some icing and quickly made some things that really impressed her. She actually looked me in the eye and asked me what it would take to get me to work for her. I was so surprised! I told her I needed to talk to hubby. Because dropping by her place was such a whim, I didn’t even have an answer to her question. I could tell that she liked me, and that she really wanted me to work for her. I hope she could tell that I liked her, and would like to try working for her. I wanted to hug her for being so nice to me, for telling me things that made me want to work for her. It’s been a while since I’ve had a boss be so nice to me.
As I walked up the hill after that conversation I just fought back the tears. What did you just do God? What did you just do?
Ok, back to the cold hard reality of my life… the Pizza place. This is our last week in the old location. We close down Saturday for two weeks to move to the new location and then they’ll open the doors at the new location whenever they can. Giving two weeks notice is the right thing to do. But because of the way this situation is with the moving and all, do I still have to do the two weeks notice? I don’t want to burn any bridges here.
The Pizza Bosses wouldn’t have to be geniuses to know that it’s not working for me there. I think we have a mutual toleration of each other. They’ve never been able to hand me much grief because I’m good at the work. If I feel short on anything, they’d nail my hide to the wall. I’ve never given them the chance. I like to please a boss, but these two only see what isn’t happening and commendation for a job well done is so rare it isn’t even funny. I don’t want to work for the Pizza Bosses anymore. I just don’t. And it grieves me. I wanted to like them, respect them, and work my very best for them. But that didn’t happen and I am disappointed.
So is this a sweet miracle for me? Or another exercise in finding a boss I think will be marvelous, only to find out they are good at first impressions and bad at the rest? I secretly fear that it’s always me, that I’m the one that hijacks my employment and implodes my opportunities with bosses. I have certainly been there, done that. I guess as long as the entrepreneur is alive and well in me, I’ll struggle with being an employee. But that is my life right now. I know how much money I need to bring in each month and I don’t want all of that pressure on my new business. Infant businesses are fragile. So being employed is my way to protect the incubation and birthing of my own new business.
It will be interesting to see what hubby dear has to say when he gets off work and we can spend some time talking about all this. I wonder what he’ll say. I do I really do.
I hope I can find my old cake decorating portfolio in the storage unit this evening so I can show her more of my work. I'm very proud of the things I've been able to create with icing in the past, here's hoping it doesn't take me that long to get up to speed in a new place.
]]>I’ve been struggling with the whole waitress gig, but I’m beginning to see that as a very good thing. My hubby's reply to an earlier post (http://thelifechoice.vox.com/library/post/confessions-of-a-tired-waitress-wearing-ugly-shoes.html) pretty much knocked my socks off. I’m a blessed woman to have him in my life. And the next time I have a really forward man in my face, maybe I’ll just start telling him about my husband who is such a source of strength and stability for me. I have been exceptionally blessed with exceptional men in my life, my father and brother are people I have a deep respect and admiration for. My husband is an amazing gift. I’m a blessed woman.
Even though I have allowed the job to shake my focus for a while, being a waitress is only what I do - it is not who I am. I can come home to the truth of who I am again, God knows I’ve needed these kinds of reminders repeatedly over the years. I’ve recently come back to the idea that I had initially when I started the job search. I was struggling in my art studio having come to the place where my beloved brink walls were caving in on me, I was feeling caged and artistically stuck. So I went down the street and got a job. Yeah, the waitressing gig. So my thought was that I’d work for a while, make some money and get out of my comfort zone for a while. Then I’d come back to my studio, launch my next business and get on with life. But somewhere in the middle of “work for a while, make some money and get out of my comfort zone for a while” was the “ACK! I’m out of my comfort zone! EEEEK!!!” And, well, that was… uh… well… uncomfortable. (well, duh!) So now I’m realizing that this is more of a “mission accomplished” kind of thing and a little less “eeeek, let me off this Titanic.” So I’m thinking that all that was probably a really good thing and for the last couple of days I’ve been able to go into work with a better attitude.
This may be a little shamelessly self congratulatory of me, but I think I’m getting pretty darn good at this job. AFTER last Saturday night when all hell broke lose in the place I pretty much know that the waitressing part isn’t going to shake me up. As long as I don’t have to deal with the loud music I can pretty much face the crowds and hold my own with anyone. Of course I'd prefer if the clients and co-workers would all behave and keep their hands to themselves. I don't always get what I want though. Saturday we had an early rush, then a serious slam somewhere between one and two o’clock. I turned around and the door opened and the stream of people just didn’t end for a while till the place was full of more people than we had seats for. Craziness. So I handled all the tables in my half of the restaurant and the boss lady and the new girl I was training took care of the other side. Yeah! I’m gaining a lot of confidence by knowing that I did a good job, and made people happy, and did a lot of that at once. I came home with a very nice amount of money in tips, and I’m not minding that one bit.
I’m also feeling pretty good that I’m covering things pretty well each morning and getting a lot of work done that has really improved how things work at the restaurant. I’m the only one taking care of quite a few things, which is great until I’m not there. But it also gives me a feeling that I’m needed, that I’m doing a good job and that I really need to work at training my replacement into the job performance. Restaurant work depends on students, and students leave/arrive for school in the Fall and also again in the Spring. And so Restaurants all over town have to completely rework their staff twice a year as the kids go off to college, and the college students arrive. It’s just a fact of life here. I’m getting a sense of accomplishment out of helping these two bosses through this transition – no matter how I feel about them as people on some days. And this experience has taught me that I can face a big shift in my comfort zone, and after I get my equilibrium back, I can grow comfortable in a completely new setting with new parameters. If I can give myself the time to regain my equilibrium, and combine that with the willingness to go after big changes, I can gain a completely new comfort zone. In short, this job has taught me that I can be transformed.
I had some time this afternoon with some business planning. And that feels good. The next phase of my life as an artist and entrepreneur is just around the corner. I can be transformed. I can become the person that I need to be in order to run the company that is in my dreams, and it’s the biggest dream I’ve ever had, significantly bigger than the last one which was just owning and running a gallery. And that one was a pretty big one, and God made the impossible possible there, and He can do it again. And if I’m willing to take on what He has next for me, I can be transformed. Yet again.
Pastor talked about Rosh Hashanah this morning and the time of fasting that comes with the Jewish New Year, a time of new beginnings, repentance and humbling of self. (this waitressing gig has been very humbling for me.) Our congregation will engage in forty days of fasting in a variety of ways. The goal is to see our desire for God to increase in our lives, as well as our ability to love God as He should be loved. Individuals can sign up for a day or fast something for the whole forty days. As Pastor spoke I thought that it seemed fitting to be learning about this kind of celebration and humbling that gives birth to new beginnings, new possibilities; especially now, when I’m in the middle of so much transition personally. It’s good to go through these phases of laying down the old comfort zone and daring to explore the possibilities that still lie untried and untested in life. We all need transformation from time to time in our lives. We all need to know that we can face big change, take some time to recover our equilibrium and grow into a completely new comfort zone. No, it isn’t easy, it can be downright painful, but it’s the beauty of faith, hope and vision for the future. It’s the beauty of a God who transforms us, and makes the impossible into the possible.
]]>