3 posts tagged “depression”
It feels like tomorrow should be Sunday. We went over to the other house and got the Christmas stuff out of the attic plus a little more furniture. I put up the Christmas tree, and besides the lights that came on it – it is otherwise naked. It may stay that way, I lack motivation right now. It really is something how the light of a Christmas tree brightens up a room!
I had a lovely Thanksgiving day. We got a lot of work done that made our family room look much better and my kitchen is now much more organized. Now I move with more certainty when I’m looking for the utensil or bowl I want rather than walking in circles and opening door after door. Plus we had some family here in the evening and it was a casual and nice time. They actually stayed into the evening playing Rook with us for a while. That surprised me more than anything but I guess that was because my sister-in-law and the nephews were not there, so there was no one thinking that the kids needed to get home to bed. I had the lowest score of them all, which was very strange. And my brother won despite his protest that it was too late for thinking and being engaged in a card game. It was a lovely time, and our decision to serve breakfast (waffles, home made blueberry syrup, sausage, potatoes, apple/caramel cake, etc) seemed to be a hit. I’m all for Thanksgiving, but let’s face it – Turkey is a boring tasteless meat that is difficult to cook in a way other than dry dry dry and there are no real surprises with the rest of the fixens. I was glad for the change and breakfast is something we do pretty well. And waffles, who doesn’t love waffles?!
I’m fighting depression. Moving is always a challenge for me, it takes me a while to settle into a new surroundings. I’m very visual and the chaos drives me crazy, and it’s a huge help to me to have everything where it goes. We've never hired a service to do that, so achieving order just takes time. So it’s a process, and I’m ok with that. The good news is that I’ve moved so many times since 2000 that now I understand why I am feeling the way I am and can deal with it without being too freaked out.
Secondly, we stillllll own the first house. And I’m really tired of that. No recent showings. And there is a couple from Las Vegas who is planning to move back to the area. We have been told that our house might be just right for them, and we saw them in church Sunday. I know they need jobs here before they can make any house decisions at all, and I don’t know if their home in Las Vegas is on the market or sold or anything. So I don’t know if anything will come of that or not but I’m so tired of owning two houses! It is such a financial drain. And seriously, we just don’t need that. Not now. How long is this going to take????
Most of the time I’m doing ok with the big question looming about the adoption. It’s possible that since we don’t have a positive net worth that the whole thing is over. We won’t know until the folks at the agency are back in the office Monday. And maybe not even then. But we’ve sunk a serious amount of money to have it end this way and I’m trying to stay positive about all of this. I do know that if we can’t adopt as we thought, that it will be another round of grieving. I would not be looking forward to that. But along our 19 years of married life (life without birth control) we have faced other losses. We survived, and we’ll survive again. And then there would be the question of how we handle the agency. Which would be worse, the grief or the anger at the agency? Everything I’ve read says that all these fees are non-refundable. I think there was one $500 fee that was refundable – I remember thinking how strange that was when I saw it because it was one of the smallest fees of all. But I don’t think we have paid that one yet. LOL! So I’m hoping it’s not over. But we’ll see. He gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.
My mother talked more about her work situation and the bully she has for a boss. I have worked some behind the scenes to see if I could get something to change there. And it doesn’t look like anything has changed yet and I don’t know how far to take it. Should I take it to the press? Should I talk it over with Dad? He’ll try to stop me because they don’t need her to lose her job right now. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that she not be bullied at work. But just how often do I need to call her boss and remind him that he needs to be more reasonable with my mother? It makes me feel like something is reversing – like I’m the mother and she’s the kid. I don’t need that kind of crazy mojo. My life is weird enough already.
I’ll be turning 40 on Groundhog’s Day. And I’ve been noticing the lines on my face more recently. I’ve got laugh lines and I think laugh lines are great as long as one doesn’t wear make up on them. Sadly, I also have dark circles under my eyes, so there will usually be makeup in the laugh lines. NOT the best combo. I also have frown lines, exacerbated by two scars I have from two separate childhood accidents. I don’t think those are so great. I usually don’t even notice my broken nose but I’m seeing the flaws right now more than usual. And I can see in the faces of family members where my face will sag and grow tired looking. My brother’s wrinkles look great on him. All of it looks fine on them, but I can’t imagine looking in the mirror and seeing some of those things happening to me. Not when I don’t think I’m all that old. So suddenly I’m all conscious of taking care of my skin. It’s strange. I skipped having children (which I always thought of as the symbol that I was a grown up) and moved right into aging. I’m not impressed. Oh come on!
And the unsettled feeling from the move is leaking into my work again. I have no passion for anything right now, I remember this from last time we moved. I used to find such pleasure in my work but sometimes now I just find it one more boring job of an isolated and lonely life. I saw a fascinating man on a youtube clip the other day. He said the first time you do something you’re an artist. The next time you repeat it you are an engineer. And the third, forth and so on… then you’re a technician. That’s my problem. I’m an artist, and even an engineer. But I am no technician. Unfortunately, I fear I am no marketer either. I need a staff (or something) and I can not afford them as long as we have too freakin many houses! And so I’m kind of languishing again. It’s nothing terribly dangerous, it’s just uncomfortable. But it leads me the same place I always seem to come back to. Am I in the right place or should I be getting a job? I’ve given some thought to a Master’s Degree this time around, maybe teaching art. I think I might enjoy High School students for a (short term) while, but I’d be much more interested in teaching college. I don’t know if it’s worth it though, a Doctorate might be fun/helluva lot of hard work. Or it might be another big financial drain. And in the end, would I like the job? Would I even be able to get the job around here? Having the degree would be cool, aspects of having a paying job would be cool. Would it be right for me? I don't know. It can be a cool age group though, young and idealistic, exploring a brave new world... (and druck off their little asses.)
I wish I could just get away from it all for a while but there really isn’t a place to go. So here I am. It will pass. I’ll get settled and the snow will come and I’ll build a fire in the fireplace and watch the flakes fall and listen to some great music. Spring will come and then I’ll find all the bulbs that the previous owner planted in this yard. That will be lovely. And my children… well… God only knows if they are more than figments of a vivid imagination. But they are so real, their names and aspects of their personalities are right there in my head and heart. I hope it’s not much longer. I hope it doesn't get much harder.
Ok, I’ve been struggling with this over a week now and we haven’t gotten any answers so I’m losing my battle over trying not to get really depressed. Hubby was told in a phone conversation with our adoption agency that if we don’t have a positive net worth, that our application to adopt will not be accepted by Colombia. We don’t have a positive net worth, and the years it would take us to get one would pretty much royally piss me off make me too old to raise a kid. Secondly, they knew our financial situation and that we did not have a positive net worth going in, so how could they turn around now (after we’ve paid THOUSANDS of dollars – ALL non-refundable) and turn us away? (Heads would ROLL!) And who has a positive net worth in this country right now anyway?!
I’m trying really hard, but honestly, if we don’t get this sorted out, life is going to get really unpleasant around here.
Our Social Worker (who is separate from our adoption agency) would not approve us for the number of kids we wanted until we bought a bigger house. And the old one has not sold yet. Ok, no kidding – we didn’t have a positive net worth before that but right now it looks even worse while we own two houses. And selling one won’t take that number into positive territory.
We need a miracle. We’ve seen so many along the way. The purchase of this house was a whole string of miracles. We just need a few more. I’m committed to trust God that something is going to break here. And between now and then I’m caught on the edge of a rather large cliff, trying desperately not to lose my footing. Prayers welcome! (Please God Please God Please God...)
Every time I talk to my brother, he tells me about some current conflict between him and the wife. I don't know how to respond sometimes. He’s not happy, and hasn’t been for a long time. His anti-depressant has become an anti-laughter drug. I think he’s not himself these days and I miss family meals with his joking and laughter! I can’t tell him to get off the drug, my instinct is that he was in a dangerous place and then a high school friend committed suicide and I think it sent ripples through him, though all of us. And it is possible that without it he is too near that edge, and I don’t want that. He’s an amazing talent, I could not even consider his loss. I love him fiercely, but I’m sad to see where things are for him. I asked him about leaving, he said there are problems in any marriage. He’s doing what he believes to be the right thing by staying. And they each have their roles. She administers every detail of the calendar and he shows up where he’s told to go. And I just wonder when it’s going to be his turn to have a little happiness. I love my sister-in-law, but I don’t think she’s good for him. She treats him like he’s misbehaving. His kids follow her lead. They are cool kids, he tells me so. But they seem like they’ve been molded into something that feels constrictive from my vantage point, yet they get the freedom to be disrespectful. I do hope that one of these days things settle in a more pleasant place. I love my brother.
