So it's Mother's Day again? I'll pass

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sat, 10 May 2008 22:39:02 -0700

I saw a friend’s facebook status update. She hates Mother’s Day because of the recent loss of her mother. My heart went out to her. I have grown to hate Mother’s Day, but for different reasons.

My hubby and I don’t have children and I learned over the years not to put myself through going to church on Mother’s and Father’s Days. Generally speaking for a childless couple, church on those days is an exercise in innocent torture devices. And since I’m no fan of silent unseen knives and daggers… I’ve learned to skip.

I remember walking in on a conversation that my Father-in-law was having with someone about Father’s Day at church. He was griping that their church didn’t celebrate it much because it caused pain for infertile couples and he went on at length about how wrong that was. He said being a father is something that should be celebrated and he didn’t know why that should be taken away from him just because some people are touchy. He said he’d been a good father and he was proud of that. And in his opinion this sensitivity thing had gone so far that it took the fun out of things for everyone. I said nothing, just walked away as he continued to expound on the theme. I suppose it was worth pointing out that one infertile couple in a congregation can ruin the celebration of Mother’s Day for everyone by being all selfish and thin skinned (providing the celebration has actually been tailored with any sensitivity whatsoever.) It really is such an audacity to suggest that church should NOT be the place where one’s raw places are treated to a deluxe case of superiority and insensitivity. And yes, he knew I was in the room observing the conversation. And yes, he knew our situation. And yes, he blithered on like a leaky faucet anyway. (Emphatic Explicative!)

Jesus said "Forgive them for they know not what they do." But what about when they DO know what they are doing and do it anyway? Still then? (Yeah!) There are aspects of this "follower of Jesus" thing is no walk in the park. Good thing I don't have to do it by myself.

I’ve seen the outline for the service for Sunday. I’ve been given the week off the worship team and I will be mercifully absent. And I suspect there will be some other empty seats as well. Hubby on the other hand, has to run sound and will attend despite what is planned.

I’m glad there is a Mother’s Day. I wouldn’t want to dampen the joy for anyone because motherhood is indeed a cool thing. All kinds of deserving (and undeserving) mammals get the singular pleasure of delivering a beautiful tiny helpless version of them (or die trying.) And generally speaking, after the initial mess is over with, baby animals are really cool, especially baby humans. There is so much destiny and purpose in each deep breath of life filling up those tiny lungs! Yeah, there is definitely something about the little screamers!

And one day that will be me. We have started the adoption process and it’s entirely possible that my children are already out there somewhere. And if they are born, then they are already mine – whether or not I can hold them tonight. But we are not far enough along in the process to have a referral so it’s still pretty hard to wrap my head around that at the moment. We’re just in a weird in-between phase. And maybe this will be my last year skipping the indecencies of a Sunday morning torture session. And maybe not.

There will come a time when I’ll celebrate Mother’s Day with my children around me, grateful that finely there was an answer to a prayer I’ve prayed for nearly two decades. But I’ll never celebrate without an eye out for those with tears in their eyes on that day. And I’ll understand far too well why their spot at church may be empty on certain Sundays. And I’ll add my own prayers to all of theirs in the hopes that God will give them the desires of their hearts. Yes, my turn will come. But I will never forget what it was like to be on the outside looking in. Yes, for a long time, all Abraham had were the stars in a dark night sky.

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A window on my word - video

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 07:42:15 -0700

I have been working this week on building a video to show Sunday in church about our adoption. It’s a big undertaking. Just five minutes of music and photography could take me two weeks solid. But I don't have two weeks. There are so many details to creating something like this that it is pretty amazing. I’ve been working on it solid most of the week. Thursday evening hubby came in and flipped on the tv and I didn’t get much done after that. I sent him to bed really early and stayed up till 2 am working on the video. I was toasted the next morning when I tried to get out of bed, but in a small house, distractions like that can be really hard to get away from. Yesterday I told him before he got home that I needed to be able to work on the video straight through the evening. He was really good about it and went into the bedroom with the other laptop and M*A*S*H DVD’s turned down really low. I was able to really get a lot done and I was really grateful that he was willing to do that.

I have most of the photography and graphics done. Tonight I’ll be working at putting the visual and audio elements together. I’m really hoping and praying that I can make something that will communicate what needs to be communicated. I have a friend who is the media person for a huge organization who has offered to view it and critique it so that I know that it communicates what I want it to. That’s really important. With something as personal as talking about our journey with infertility and our choice to adopt – it’s really important that it doesn’t come off whiney, or soaked in self pity while still showing the truth of these years. There have been some dark seasons! So I’m really hoping I can get it all pulled together and looking great for Sunday. Yesterday I tested the first segment on the church projection computer and it is really wild to see something like that projected on a really huge screen. I liked it. I liked it very much! And I’m pleased with how it is going so far.

I will have it done in time for Church on Sunday and then we can use it at fund raisers and other events along the way. I think we will be really glad we have it. Once it’s done.

Yeah. Once it is done.

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Lovely weekend

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 07:49:29 -0800

I had a delightful weekend with Ginger Sister here! The hubby made pizza dough and we loaded up the crusts with all sorts of marvelous goodies and loads of cheese. Yummmm… We spent a little time with her playing my piano (which sounded so cool!) and the two of us singing together. If I wasn’t singing on the worship team we’d have played hookie, but since I did we went to church. We ended up singing twice in the service Sunday. First was "606" which came with a heavy dose of nostalgia for me and sounded really cool with two sopranos though we both missed the tenors and basses just a wee bit. I took the high part and she put together elements of the alto, tenor and bass lines and made her own part. Yeah baby! We also sang a Misty Edwards song at the end which got a really good response. I Loooooooooove singing with Ginger Sister again after all these years! How I wishes that my music buddies lived sooo much closer! I tried to tell her that there was this adorable little cottage available to rent that would be perfect for her. I guess it didn’t look enough like London to entice her. Tsk! And she was willing to play carrier pigeon to our adoption announcements to save us money on postage to our friends that live near her. That was lovely. Yes indeedy!

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Dirty Idealist Update

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sat, 09 Feb 2008 07:16:42 -0800

Well, a congregation 650 miles away has offered us their adoption account. So this decision doesn't mean we can't get a tax deduction for those who give gifts. I love them for that, but then they’ve been the one congregation that ever really felt like family to us. The irony is, since we do not attend that congregation, if they were to get audited this could raise questions for them.

Hubby took some time with the email the Elders sent us and replied to some of the comments with more questions. My personal favorite is this one: (Keep in mind that they said “No” to starting an adoption fund and “No” to fund raisers at church.)

“We do want to encourage the two of you (and others) in your adoption pursuit.”

Hubby’s reply:

“We appreciate the encouragement! I am not trying to mean, rude or sarcastic here, but I’m curious what the elders are thinking of when “want to encourage” us? What does that look like?”

So hubby is my hero. It will be interesting to see if we get any reply to the questions he asked that came up from the email we got with the notifications.

The question of starting an adoption fund for us boils down to laws that have to be followed in order for a congregation to keep it's 501c3 status. If you don't follow the laws, the government can yank your 501C3 status. Ok, I doubt that happens often but apparently it could happen. Of course all that legal stuff is open to inperpretation and different churches handle that stuff very differently.

My daddy said it best. Yes, there are a lot of laws the churches have to pay attention to in regards to keeping their 501C3 status, but it is still the choice of the congregation whether to use those laws to include or exclude. (AMEN!)

And it is wicked of me I know, but since I have a blog that I use to update friends and family about the adoption progress… I want to post about my frustration over these issues there. But people from my congregation will likely read it. And what happens when those who made this decision get wind of how it went across in our household? I don’t know whether or not to post about this. It’s not honest to leave it off the blog, because this is all part of this process. But it’s not going to get us any brownie points with our congregation leaders if we tell the truth on that blog. I want to be respectful, but I think their decision is a load of crap. Soooo… I just don’t know how to handle that.

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Can I just say... AMEN!

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 06:27:49 -0800

I stumbled across this on a friend's blog and loved it. The guy is Tony Campolo who is one of my heros. I gave a couple books by him as gifts this Christmas. And I came across this in the midst of my own questioning about how the church can miss something so basic and central to the message of the scripture. But whether or not the church "gets it" has little impact on whether or not I do as an individual. So I guess I should just say that I'm paying attention and wondering what all this means for me. Check it out and let me know what you think.

The Kingdom of God

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The persuasive power of discontent

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 07:15:35 -0800

I woke up feeling tired with an overall sense that something isn’t quite right physically, but I can’t put my finger on it. I guess it’s just a tired thing, plus it’s all overcast and yucky here – this does not help. And the bakery called. No work this week as things stand. Where are the superbowl orders? Don’t people eat cake at football time? Does anyone get together to celebrate Ground Hog Day? I’m sure the orders will come in and I’ll have some work, but it’s going to be a long winter if I can’t get some money in my pocket again soon. But that's the bakery business - it is highly cyclical.

Hubby and I went to a church leadership council meeting last night. It just underscored to me that our congregation has no local ministry done by church members into our community. Our missions budget is a whopping 15 percent of budget though, which is pretty exceptional for a church and that is great. When it comes down to it, the highest percentage of that money is going out of the country and a very small portion of it is being invested right here in the town where the church is located.

I happen to be fully persuaded that a congregation’s first ministry is to the local region that it calls home. Everything else is gravy. Picture an ideal world where all the congregations in a town split up the map so that each church took care of the region between itself and the next church building in all directions. If each church worked to meet the needs in their little geographic neighborhood that is home to their building – there would be no need for the welfare state. And quite frankly – that is exactly what I believe the scripture calls the church to be. But that is most certainly not the American way of doing church. I’ve led mercy ministries, done work in kindness evangelism and a variety of outreach ministries of the church. I know that the portion of people who attend a congregation who are actually actively engaged in outreach is pretty small. And of all the priorities and financial considerations for a congregation, sometimes there isn't much left over.

Another model for congregational outreach is the idea that each member is a minister at their place of business each week. But unfortunately the same thing is also true in this case. Very few people view their work as a ministry. I certainly did when I had the gallery, but now that I’m back in the employment market most of my mission mindedness has flown the coop. So I’m certainly no example of this mission mindedness that I espouse. So I wonder where this leaves me. I think the biggest problem I see with this is the idea that if we only minister in our marketplace ministries then we will miss the portion of society that would never appear in our businesses. We’ll miss the unemployed and the underemployed. We’ll get little contact with the poor and our scriptural mandate to help the widow and the fatherless will go unheeded. I think the church is held to account for not looking after those that society casts off. There clearly are flaws in the system.

I guess it leaves me in the same place as usual. I go to a church that is not perfect, that falls short of the ideal I have in my mind. But we are a group of good and well intentioned people who are trying to live out our faith according to our understanding. The fact that I’m dissatisfied and see an empty place that needs filling is nothing new in my life. I’ve always had a certain amount of dissatisfaction and disillusionment about/with church. At times I’ve worked really hard to see those empty places filled, spoken at length and worked to create an atmosphere where such things could flourish. And I guess over the years I’ve seen that that work counted, at least for sowing seed in the heart of a congregation if nothing else.

But I come back to one fundamental question. Where do I spend my energy? To work for change in the church? How long does one focus on an immobile, ineffective and engrained system before moving on? I guess my theory in recent years has been to skip the church completely and set about working for change in my own circle of influence. In some ways I feel that work in the church is wasted because there are so many hoops to jump and so much legal garbage and so many ways that one voice gets lost in a crowd. Plus, the segment of society that would darken the church door on a Sunday morning is a small demographic. On the other hand, if the work within the congregation becomes effective, then the potential to mobilize a significant group of people into active service is pretty amazing. There are people who have been very successful in doing exactly that and communities are greatly helped and influenced by such things. I have personal heroes who have been very successful in doing this. However, if I go back to the marketplace ministry that is so close to my heart and pour my limited energies into that front, then maybe I’ll get a chance to see real change happen in the lives of people that I care about deeply. I guess in some sense I want both.

But in a season of my life when I find myself struggling and making excuses for my own lack of engagement, is it reasonable to expect that I’m going to be effecting any sort of change anywhere? I don’t know. Perhaps the first step is the dissatisfaction, the feeling that something is really missing. Perhaps that is just a hallmark of my life – that I’m always discontent and that it is little more than my personal failure to find contentment in a dark world. I just don’t know.

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The Tragedy and Triumph of Today - 15

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:43:53 -0800

Tragedy:

I got to work, and there was no work to be done. Awww shucks! Some tragedy! Ha Ha! It might become tragic if we don’t get any cake orders but people are always in need of something sweet so no worries there. And Valentines will be upon us in no time. So having an unexpected day off? No tragedy there.

Triumph:

A big one! I designed the website for our congregation, nothing fancy just a nice looking fairly simple website. But I’d been hearing some rumblings here and there and the webmaster was getting material from all quarters to put on the site that shouldn’t go on, plus I had to go on and clean up some stuff that got messed up. I got frustrated and annoyed. So I called a meeting of the involved parties and pretty much laid it out there and they did to. It was a great meeting, very positive and very effective at getting the expectations clarified. Yeah baby! I’m lovin that!

Plus, I set up a blog for my pastor. He’s going to blog all he wants to and we’ll link from the church page and he’ll have complete control over his content. Best of all possible solutions for everyone and he’s pumped that it’s going to work out that easily. And I’m delighted that I got to set it up for him and show him around. Yep, I’m lovin that!

I had a nap. Twas lovely. Got little else done. Also lovely. Good day!

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Confessions of an ex-church leader

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 15:32:08 -0800

I used to love being in church and being involved in all kinds of stuff happening there. But right now I can barely make myself attend church. We go to a good church – much better than that last nightmare we attended for five years. (What was that about anyway?!) NO, it's not a perfect church - mainly cause I'm there. But still, I’m not invested there, I fail to see the point of going through those motions and generally I miss the point of getting up early to go observe the same stuff over again. I have the sneaking suspicion that if I told my Pastor that, I’d be considered in need of prayer or something. Go ahead, pray for me, I need it. (Don’t treat me like a mission project though – that doesn’t work real well with me.) Cause if church bores me, something must be wrong with me. Well, I don’t actually believe that. I actually believe something is wrong with church - but I digress.

Going to church and finding that everyone else seems happy with how things are – it just makes me feel like the closeted bitch for my secret fears, frustrations and unmet expectations. I used to have an aquaintance with God, He used to like me a good bit. I don't know what happened to that. And I know there is more out there than seems available to me at the moment. I don’t get it. I think people at church must think I’m a real grumpy bitch, but I’m just not seeing the point of pretending that I like it when I don’t. And my husband won’t let me be someone who doesn’t attend church. So I’m a little caught in a crappy place with this whole thing. I don’t like it much, no siree.

Church leaders talked to the hubby and I about the possibility of leading a thing that would look maybe a tiny bit different. Good God, I didn’t want it to be only a TINY bit different – I want the WHOLE FREAKIN REVOLUTION! I guess I shouldn’t say that too loudly. (ooopps, tooo late!) I know that our leadership isn’t much into the girls doing stuff in church and the only reason I was included in the conversation (bein female and all) is because I used to lead worship. Years ago. A lifetime ago really. And I said I’d never go back. But they didn’t stop to ask about that part. Some assumptions have been made. I wanted to be included in the conversation so I haven't popped their little assumption balloon yet. The conversation has never gotten really deep enough to include that bit anyway. So I’m included in the conversation because it seems like we’d be good – the really sweet guy with the pastoring gifts servant's heart and his wife who used to lead worship and seems generally talented for whatever else we might need done. We seem pretty normal, willing to serve and generally nice folks. (Well, I haven't been so nice lately.) Seems like those two could get the job done. Oh wait… what is the matter with this picture?

I want to be involved in something new, something that is real and actually works for me. But… I don’t know that this is it. And I don’t see any movement forward with it anyway. It’s all been just talk this year so far. All talk and no action. So here I am. I still fail to see the point. And maybe I’m a bit frustrated with God for the lack of Him in this current situation. What seems to be missing in my church experience? Well, uh… for starters – the blaring absense of the divine "Himself." Oh well, I have a hard time forcing myself to show up, why should anyone else - much less HIM?!

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What do you want? The Church Chapter

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 17:07:26 -0700

A friend’s blog contained the question “What do you want?” with a related question having to do with whether or not you're praying for what you want. It’s an interesting thought, especially since it’s really easy to get wrapped up in life and lose track of those things that are really near and dear to us. Suddenly we find the important things slipping away as the mundane atrocities of life choke out the dreaming, desiring and hoping aspects of our being. We get wrapped up in the temporal desires and needs and completely lose focus on those things that we desire that are of a more eternal nature.

I have a desire that’s pretty unusual, judging from the practice of life I’ve observed. I want to go to a church that I’m excited about. An emerging church that looks like some of the books I have on my reading list. Seriously, I want to be involved with an emerging church with people I respect who are so outside the box that we make a new box and invite people in. (Not because we are spiritually superior, but because we are interesting.) I want to work with the church to help poor and needy people in our community and do community service projects instead of services some weeks.

I don’t want it to meet in a normal church building or be a “normal” church at all and definitely not on Sunday morning. (another barf.) We could meet at the park for all I care. I want a full tilt dangerous honest to goodness church where people finally “get it” that it’s not about a service – yet it’s about service. It’s not a building centric thing but could happily meet in a variety of places. And since it’s about community, it would be cool if we all lived close enough together that we could really become intentional community, and share our stuff and help each other out by bartering services among the members and really connecting with people on a deeper level. No religion, no pretense, and for heavens sake - if you don’t want to be at the gathering then don’t come! Oh, and there should be food involved! Good food! And tables seem to go good with the eating thing. Uh, and chairs.

Oh, and if I’m going to have to show up to some sort of service, then I want it to be a full tilt artsy thing with lots of interesting stuff going on. Incense is good, and artwork that changes each week would be cool. My brother is carving a cross and it progresses a little each week at his church. Now how cool would that be?! I want lots of dancers doing their thing, I love it when the dancers “dance upon injustice.” I love it when they use big fabrics, banners, flags and Chinese ribbons. These things delight me. No preach praying allowed, poetry hoped for and plenty of reading from the Song of Solomon – which also delights me, and the Psalms which are better yet. And I like the big projection screens with lots of excellent color and artwork! Go ahead, distract me! I like it! I want to try all kinds of traditions and not do the same thing twice for any reason – especially not because that’s how we did it before. Couldn’t someone read the introduction to “The Hobbit” one time? I could gladly preach on that. Let’s use donut holes for communion for crying out loud, and maybe the health freaks can refrain from making an unholy uproar over it for just once. And music! There must be lots of music of a variety of styles. I want to play and sing in the worship team that is full of really killer good musicians who are also actually interesting people. I want some “harp and bowl” worship along with whatever other kind of music makes God’s people happy.

And there should be prayer. Prayer for people individuals, about things that matter. Not just about so and so who is in the hospital – those kinds of prayer requests we talk about just to fill up uncomfortable space. But the real prayer requests we are scared to share cause they make us look… uh… human. Real. Transparent. Authentic. Human.

I guess my prayer about church is pretty much swallowed up in complacency most of the time. I go and stomach the ordinariness of it most of the time. Sometimes for brief flashes I’m engaged and intent on what is happening around me. If something is happening around me. And I want to be a part of the story, writing the story, living the story.

I told my mom when I was a little kid, I wanted to be in the next books they add to the Bible. Hmmm… yeah, didn’t quite strike the chord with her that it could have, but it’s still pretty much true. I just want to be involved in the next chapters, that’s all.

I know many of my ideas are pretty strange on this one, plenty of religious folk would be rightfully concerned about such disrespect for tradition and predictability. And any lessor God would have squished me by now, especially since I find a lot of His people especially annoying. But I have somehow escaped so far. Thank God. For real. Thank God.

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I'll remember this summer for the paradigm shifts

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Wed, 01 Aug 2007 12:34:36 -0700

This summer is the of the almighty paradigm shift all across the board in my life.

We moved in January, so we are still settling in at the new place. Renovations continue, the first garden in years. Red ripe cherry tomatoes from vine to mouth – now that is livin! Yummmmmmm! Hubby has ended one job and will start the year at a new school very very soon. (To soon!)

One paradigm shift involved becoming more politically active. I’ve been quiet for a long time, and just listened to my friends go on an on about politics, mainly because I didn’t want to fight with people I love, but happen to disagree with. I write my representatives, congressmen and president, but that isn’t enough. Secondly, the political situation has significant potential to change drastically with the next election, which I see in a very hopeful light. I just want to see a change for the better, these days of torture, rendition, gitmo and all that other stuff – oh it makes me so mad – not because it’s all so horrible – though it is… but because the people who are advocating these injustices are people who speak of Jesus in the same paragraph. Ok, most of the world can see what a crock that is, but for one neighborhood of politics - that’s just a blind spot about the size of a Jupiter!

Another paradigm shift for me right now is what I want my career to look like, how I want to do business. The old paradigm of the sole proprietor gallery is over, sniff sniff. Those were the days, LOL! No really, I loved what I did. And I want to go back, but I’ve learned some things along the way about being a business owner. I won’t repeat what I did before and consider that enough, it wouldn’t be. This time it’s going to be broader, bigger and generally MORE, and it’s going to require a real honest to goodness staff. I’m a private person, I work alone, but I’m going to have to just plain get over that because business growth will always be limited to what I can produce. I’ve learned to think bigger. There are some pretty big hurdles, and I’m not entirely sure how to walk through some of those, but in time it will all be clear. It’s all about the French fries, I’ve just got to take one at a time and try not to focus on the potato so much that I just get completely overwhelmed. French Fries!! Yeah, pass the salt.

Finally, I think one of the paradigm shifts of the summer has to do with church. I have at some points of my life been very involved in church. Between hubby and I the ministries we’ve started or led, or committees we’ve been a part of is a pretty long list. Retreats, conferences and seminars can be fun also. But in my more recent years of getting a temporary separation from church, I came to realize that kingdom ministry was my passion, not church ministry. And in case that sounds small and easy – think again. So I guess the biggest aspect of that paradigm shift is to save my energy for the real thing and not allow my time to get sucked up with church activity. So as much as I like church, I’m going to be checking myself from getting sidetracked there. Actually, I go to church, tolerate it most of the time, and enjoy it for fleeting moments here and there. But it still doesn’t do what we think it does, or that is the conclusion I’ve arrived at. I think this was brought home to me with a thud when we visited our old congregation and it had gone on without us quite nicely. And I realized that my most fruitful contacts for the Kingdom hadn’t been in that place, rather, it had been in the context of marketplace ministry. There had been some coooool kingdom things in that place though, it was good.

With all these paradigms shifting in my life this year there have been some really dark times. I was in some pretty serious depression for a while as I mourned over closing the shop. It was my choice to do so and it was the right choice. But man was it hard. Amazing opportunities stretch out before me, and I’m trying to pay attention, listen deeply and see where this narrow little path leads. But to be honest I don’t think anyone has been this way for a long time except maybe the wild things, so for all practical purposes I’m just pushing through tall grass and brambles. Again. Go figure. Some things really don’t change.

Constant change is here to stay. The cliché of the day. And the theme for my summer.

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