Could it be?

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 16:27:31 -0700

I said I’d never own one of these. An old VW vanagon maybe, a station wagon maybe, an SUV maybe, even an old hearse or limo, even something that has been spray painted with huge flowers in neon colors and has something welded to the roof. But NEVER EVER a mini-van. Oh the aesthetic horror of driving something that resembles a shoe box. Oh the amazement that we own something designed to trap and amplify squirmy loud baby humans and all their accoutrements. Oh the nightmare of trying to find this one among all the others in the parking lot at the store! I do not approve of this choice or this automobile. Have we no originality whatsoever? Have we completely sold out?

It is nice inside though. And drives beautifully. And its doors pop open when I push the button. I hate to admit it. Me likey. Well… maybe that is a bit hasty. I don’t actually Like it or anything. But it’s growing on me. Yes, I’m the owner of a Honda Momivan. I might as well buy a cause ribbon, a soccer ball sticker and an honor roll student sticker. Oh wait, maybe we should finish buying the kids first.

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Report from the Front Lines of Adoption Fund Raising.

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 20:56:30 -0700

The silent auction didn’t go very well. The crowd never came. Our cell group came, and another few friends, but that was it. And we had advertised and done quite a few things to get the word out. We had fun but we all knew that this is not what we’d worked so hard to create for a fund raiser. People kept apologizing to me, as if any of us could fix it. I was ok with it during the event, but after our friends left there was no more point in keeping the disappointment at bay. I was very down about it. Hubby was sad also. We went home dragging.

We got some tremendous donations of items for the auction so I faced down the daunting task of working out what those precious people wanted done with their donations. Some took them back and others said for us to keep them and continue to try to sell them. A guy gave us his $200 guitar and another friend told us to clean out the garden center that he’d closed a while back so we had lots of gardening books and accessories. We did finally sell the guitar and we still have lots of garden center stuff left. I have a lot of artwork and jewelry left but I don’t think that’s a big deal.

I didn’t know it, but Pastor got on the phone with the Elders and got approval for us to price the work that didn’t sell and leave it out for Sunday morning. And he made two announcements during the service for people to come over after the service and shop. My Dad came back to take the money again and people came through and bought up quite a bit of the stuff. There is still lots left. I haven’t heard what the final total was, I’ll probably get a call about that tomorrow.

I feel kind of silly in a number of ways. I spent an entire day working with a few other women making decorated sugar cookies – working late into the night and well after my back had started to kill me… only to sell them for a very low price Sunday morning. And I busted my bum after the cookies to make a bunch of chocolate - back still in pain. I put together plates of chocolate to sell and I still have most of that. And it’s perishable so it really must be used right away. So I don’t know what to do about that but it may be as simple as a visit to the Mission.

People helped us. Donna baked cookies, never once using the timer. They were all perfect. Her husband Ed walked in Saturday evening, saw the dishes and just started washing my dishes. That just blew me away! And Brenda and Dave made all the auction sheets, that took quite some time. And Marta helped me unpack and display all the stuff. Jane and Rachel helped me decorate cookies after a long day at work for Jane. I think she was already very tired, but she stayed and helped me. My parents came and helped, Dad took the money and Mom put out the food. They brought food for the reception but it was barely touched. One couple placed a bid well over the retail price on a piece of my art glass. I brought the retail price to her attention and she said they knew that, they just wanted to bless us. About made me cry. I'm amazed at these people. We have some amazing friends. It wasn't that long ago that I wouldn't have been able to say that, our move to this area is still quite recent.

I guess I’ll chalk it up to the economy. People were very willing to give us the stuff they had but with extreme gas prices and such, it was easier to give us stuff than to make purchases I guess. It makes the donations that did come in even sweeter.

I got a number of suggestions on how to improve the event so that people would come. I wasn’t entirely open to hearing those things after my humiliation. But people want to be helpful. One woman was convinced that we needed to hold the sale on a Saturday morning, during yard sale hours. And advertise to the yard sale crowd. I wanted to tell her that yard sale shoppers are not my demographic, but I played nice. And one lady wanted us to take over a room in the church and always have it open after church for people to go shopping. (NOT going to happen.) Anyway, it is what it is. And mostly I’m just grateful that it’s over. We’ll go back Monday to pack up the leftovers. Where on earth am I going to put all this stuff?!

In the end, all this work and even the humiliations along the way will be nothing compared to actually holding our children in our arms. No matter what, it will be worth it to bring home our children. Whatever it takes. Yes. Whatever. It. Takes.

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Amazed and Dazed... and more than a little tired

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:53:48 -0700

Quilt 1

Whew, it has been a busy week. I’m working on putting together a silent auction to raise money for our adoption process. And I really didn’t do much on the project until this week. But this week has been a real flurry. The event is Saturday night, 7:00 – 9:00. Hubby was gone all week until early this morning. It’s so good to have him back, now I have some moral support and a pack mule.

I've got scarves, art glass, jewelry, soap, beads, purses, sachets, hand made quilts and maybe some other stuff in this silent auction. All stuff that I have made from my gallery days or since. And that's not counting the edibles.

Monday, Tues and Wed I spent making product and going through my studio pulling out supplies to sell. I did pretty good at organizing things for the most part. The dogs were getting clingy. I would leave at 8:30 in the morning, drop by briefly to grab a hot dog every now and then and then I’d drag in around 10 most evenings and both of them really needed some TLC by that point. They had food and water, they just wanted me. Sweet really. My girls need me.

Vase

We’ve had some big donations of stuff to sell. A bunch of gardening stuff from a closed garden center was interesting. He took us into the old store, showed us around and said “Take everything you can sell.” Then he left and we loaded the Civic. That was good. Quite a few other things and I don’t know what all we’ll get Saturday morning when church people bring out more stuff. Some of my friends from hither and yon have mailed us packages. That kind of thing always amazes me. It’s the sort of thing I’d think of doing but wouldn’t actually get around to doing.

Thursday I started sugar cookies to sell. A friend helped me, I cut them out and she baked them. She did a beautiful job, never touched a timer but they were always perfect. And we had the most interesting conversation. We are both extremely private in person (not so much in writing for me) and we talked about the most interesting things. By Thursday evening the week was starting to catch up with me. I had two helpers for decorating the cookies and they came at around 8:00 pm. It wasn’t long before I pretty much hit the wall and started fading. They weren’t very task oriented helpers but seemed to have fun and I was extremely grateful for their help. The cookies look great. Hubby and I packaged them this evening and I hope they really bring in some funds. We packaged a dozen chewy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with six colorful decorated sugar cookies on top. All that was on a plate wrapped up carefully. Hubby is really good at making those chocolate chip cookies, and I’m good at making the sugar cookies. So that plate is kind of symbolic of us and our uniqueness and the way we compliment each other.

Quilt 2

Today hubby and I both played pack mule and we hauled boxes and such. Another friend showed up to help unpack and display the stuff. We have a few more things to pick up. Hubby is headed out right now to go pick up a Fender Telecaster electric guitar that a friend donated.

After we’ve had dinner and I’ve had a nice pain killer, we’ll go back in and see if we can make some chocolate. I’m not going to do the twelve kinds that I did for “Art and Chocolate” only about five kinds plus some really easy chocolate and nut combos. I hope that goes rather quickly as the ol bod has really had it. I’m tired and the back has started to feel like a holiday weekend at the bakery.

I know that I don’t look like it right this minute, but I’m glad to do these kinds of events. It’s something I know how to do and I feel as though I’m investing in my children. Clearly I literally invest, because adoption is really expensive. But this is a personal investment as well. That is how I see it. And this way our friends (and people we don’t know because this was fairly broadly advertised) and strangers can enjoy an evening and the blessing can go both ways. They get a fun entertaining event and we get their hard earned money, and then they get a tax deduction. All the way around it works.

Bubble bowl

I need to go make some phone calls and sort out a few more details. Tomorrow two or three friends are coming and we will make silent auction sheets for every item. They are bringing a laptop and a laser printer. I’m bringing paper. I hope that goes rather quickly. And then it will be just the finishing touches and the food and the event will be upon us. I’m really tired at the moment, this was a lot of work. Especially with hubby away. But I know it will be good and I’ll probably cry at the end of the night with the generosity of friends and family. We’re blessed. Completely ostentatiously blessed.

Oh, and I’m going to tag this one thing on the end. Hubby’s grandma decided that she didn’t really need her “economic stimulus check” and thought she’d donate it to our adoption fund. When Hubby’s other grandma found out, she wanted to do the same thing. So these two darling little old ladies who could certainly could have found uses for that money have made their investment in us and our children. I am mostly amazed, completely blessed!

Can’t wait to meet my kiddies. A friend told me she thinks I’m getting three.

PS... all photos are of things I've made that are in this silent auction.

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Financial Juggling Act

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 23:35:46 -0700

I’m financially frustrated. I am not exactly a “tight wad.” I have no trouble spending money on my business. But there are other things I hate spending money for.

I just bought a new laptop. It’s something I have needed to do for a long time but just didn’t want to spend the money. We saw a “deal” today and went for it. I hope we made the right decision. I hate spending money on this kind of thing because it’s harder to see how it will pay off. But to achieve the desired goals it needed to be done.

Hubby is auto shopping. I don’t like that. Because shopping leads to buying. There is no doubt that the truck he’s driven for years is really in bad shape. Oh, there can be no mistaking the inevitability of her demise. It would be good to have something already purchased for the day when she refuses to roll one more mile. I have no idea when that day will come. Could be tomorrow. But still… no car payment is no car payment. And when the adoption goes through, we will need an auto that can fit the whole crew of us. We expect the count to come to four of us but if we adopt three instead of two then that changes what kind of auto we need. But can we really wait to make this decision until we get all the paperwork finished and our assignment comes back from Colombia? Hubby thinks not. Hubby is shopping NOW. And he has his eye on two but I don’t think he’s decided which. Neither of which would be workable if we ended up with three kids instead of two. I don’t like spending money on cars. Especially when we are not entirely certain of the need.

I drive a Civic which is a great little car. It’s a bit small for hauling around a couple squirmy bundles that require paraphernalia. We are about three months from having it paid off. That will be marvelous. But I’d really like to enjoy a few months with no car payment. But I don’t want to go pick up Hubby when the truck dies it’s death of a thousand gasps.

We need to add on to the house to make room for the aforementioned squirmy bundles of childhood. Our two bedroom house is bursting at the seams already. The biggest thing is that we have only one bathroom. I’ve drawn up plans for an extra two bed, two bath addition and removing a wall would yield a decent sized three bedroom, three bath house. Probably a bit too much for the neighborhood really. Well, there are plenty of comparable nice houses in our neighborhood, it’s just that the ones on either side of us are in need of “gentrification” or something. Hubby suggested a one bedroom one bath addition and leaving the one wall where it is would still yield us a little bitty three bedroom two bath house. Certainly a tighter fit and would require moving sooner rather than later. I hate moving. But whatever we are going to do we need to get on with it before hubby goes back to teach in August. Because then his time to work on plumbing and electrical stuff would dwindle. But we haven’t even gotten the dude out to give us a quote yet. I don’t know how much more we’d need to save to pay off that project but I’d like to think we are close. At least I hope so. Additions get so expensive in such a big hurry! At least it makes sense to me to spend money on this. Every change we make will bring up the value of our home. And that’s great. Not in today’s market especially but things have got to get better eventually. I hope we can manage to decide what we’re going to do and get it done before the children come. Bringing home a couple kids in the middle of a construction zone would not be cool. Bringing home a couple kids to the house we have now would be an exercise in frustration. It could be done, but it would be tight. But I’m not certain we can afford more than the roof. LOL! I think getting the little man out to give us some figures is the first step. We’ve got to get this show on the road.

And then there is the adoption. We have another fund raiser coming up this weekend and I’m struggling to get on the wavelength to get the planning finished. I have not been able to get my head in the game. There is so much that needs to be done. People have been extremely generous. Amazingly so. The one this weekend is a silent auction. I don’t know how that’s going to go. I’ve got quite a bit of work to get done before it happens though. It's Monday already, I've got to get my head in the game. Too bad we can’t hold a fund raiser for the house addition.

Anyway, I’m grateful for my cute little house and that I have a decent car that hasn’t given us any trouble. I like order. I like things I can plan out. The adoption has quite a few details up in the air… like how many children? For starters. Then the timing of the possible auto purchase and addition to the house… I’d like some way of spreading all of that out more. But maybe there is a reason it’s all coming at once. Maybe my kids will be here sooner than we think. Now there’s a happy thought. Yep, I’ll go to bed with that one.

Nite nite foxy voxers.

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Busy Busy Weekend

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Tue, 27 May 2008 07:03:41 -0700

Saturday evening we spent by the river in Bridgewater with family. My Aunty and Uncle are back in the country from an extended time in Trinidad. They are in the middle of a mission term there of two years helping the Mennonite church there. And it was our only chance at seeing them while they are back on furlough. So we had a delightful time catching up with them and enjoying my family. We’ve got some exceptional Mennonite cooks in the family and it’s always great to see what they’ve brought from the garden or pantry. We took hubby’s home-made chocolate chip oatmeal cookies garnished with the expensive cookies I brought from work. They were a hit. A cousin’s child nearly grabbed the plate right out of my hand before I got to the table. He’s a cutie cute! (And a rather hyper one after all the cookies he got that evening.)

One pair of cousins are starting the adoption process and working on a domestic adoption through a tiny little Christian adoption agency. Believe it or not, their agency has taken all the legal and intrusive paperwork and ratcheted it up about four notches by trying to have the couple PROVE that they are Christians, very conservative ones. They have to sign a paper that there will never be alcohol in their home. We already had to sign that we would not use corporal punishment. I was listening to her talk and just thinking to myself that what she was describing was soooo over the top. But she just kept saying what a ministry it was. Good for them but I’m not religious enough to want to spend an additional month on paperwork to prove my religion on top of every other aspect of “worthiness” I have to already prove in order to buy a child. With domestic adoption the parents have to be chosen by the birth mom. They’ve only dealt with infertility for three and a half years, not like our fifteen, so they don’t mind all that I guess. I, on the other hand, knew that after all I’ve been through in these fifteen years did not want to put my future at the whim of a fertile sixteen year old. It’s not like there aren’t children out there in the earth just waiting for parents. With our international adoption it won’t be about some Mom choosing us out of a book because she liked my eyes and my hubby’s tan and we happened to be wearing her favorite color or some equally ridiculous and arbitrary attribute beyond our control. So anyway, it was an interesting evening and we enjoyed spending time with family!

Monday morning we were off to the Professional building to paint a suite of offices for my landlord. He’s going to give me free art studio rent in June for painting these offices for him. Hubby put down paper, spackled all the holes and took down switch plates. I rolled the walls and then we both started with trim. We got a good bit done but had to quit in time for another party Saturday evening.

By that time I was really tired but we showed up for the 3:00 Memorial Day party with a group of friends and enjoyed some more great food including pulled pork that had been on the grill for hours. And a friend of mine brought a cake and acted very embarrassed about it in front of me which was funny. It did look rather sad, like the icing had been put on while the cake was still hot and had just melted into the cake. We took a watermelon and the cookies that hubby had made garnished with the expensive cookies I bought from work. They put a couple kites in the air in the back yard while it was sprinkling. That was fun. Then it rumbled real loud and they started to bring down the kites and I hid under the overhang of the house enjoying the cooler temperature and the occasional raindrop on my skin. After we got home I curled up on the sofa and didn’t move much until I woke myself up enough to go off to bed.

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So it's Mother's Day again? I'll pass

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Sat, 10 May 2008 22:39:02 -0700

I saw a friend’s facebook status update. She hates Mother’s Day because of the recent loss of her mother. My heart went out to her. I have grown to hate Mother’s Day, but for different reasons.

My hubby and I don’t have children and I learned over the years not to put myself through going to church on Mother’s and Father’s Days. Generally speaking for a childless couple, church on those days is an exercise in innocent torture devices. And since I’m no fan of silent unseen knives and daggers… I’ve learned to skip.

I remember walking in on a conversation that my Father-in-law was having with someone about Father’s Day at church. He was griping that their church didn’t celebrate it much because it caused pain for infertile couples and he went on at length about how wrong that was. He said being a father is something that should be celebrated and he didn’t know why that should be taken away from him just because some people are touchy. He said he’d been a good father and he was proud of that. And in his opinion this sensitivity thing had gone so far that it took the fun out of things for everyone. I said nothing, just walked away as he continued to expound on the theme. I suppose it was worth pointing out that one infertile couple in a congregation can ruin the celebration of Mother’s Day for everyone by being all selfish and thin skinned (providing the celebration has actually been tailored with any sensitivity whatsoever.) It really is such an audacity to suggest that church should NOT be the place where one’s raw places are treated to a deluxe case of superiority and insensitivity. And yes, he knew I was in the room observing the conversation. And yes, he knew our situation. And yes, he blithered on like a leaky faucet anyway. (Emphatic Explicative!)

Jesus said "Forgive them for they know not what they do." But what about when they DO know what they are doing and do it anyway? Still then? (Yeah!) There are aspects of this "follower of Jesus" thing is no walk in the park. Good thing I don't have to do it by myself.

I’ve seen the outline for the service for Sunday. I’ve been given the week off the worship team and I will be mercifully absent. And I suspect there will be some other empty seats as well. Hubby on the other hand, has to run sound and will attend despite what is planned.

I’m glad there is a Mother’s Day. I wouldn’t want to dampen the joy for anyone because motherhood is indeed a cool thing. All kinds of deserving (and undeserving) mammals get the singular pleasure of delivering a beautiful tiny helpless version of them (or die trying.) And generally speaking, after the initial mess is over with, baby animals are really cool, especially baby humans. There is so much destiny and purpose in each deep breath of life filling up those tiny lungs! Yeah, there is definitely something about the little screamers!

And one day that will be me. We have started the adoption process and it’s entirely possible that my children are already out there somewhere. And if they are born, then they are already mine – whether or not I can hold them tonight. But we are not far enough along in the process to have a referral so it’s still pretty hard to wrap my head around that at the moment. We’re just in a weird in-between phase. And maybe this will be my last year skipping the indecencies of a Sunday morning torture session. And maybe not.

There will come a time when I’ll celebrate Mother’s Day with my children around me, grateful that finely there was an answer to a prayer I’ve prayed for nearly two decades. But I’ll never celebrate without an eye out for those with tears in their eyes on that day. And I’ll understand far too well why their spot at church may be empty on certain Sundays. And I’ll add my own prayers to all of theirs in the hopes that God will give them the desires of their hearts. Yes, my turn will come. But I will never forget what it was like to be on the outside looking in. Yes, for a long time, all Abraham had were the stars in a dark night sky.

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Surprise!

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 11:00:03 -0700

My Mom called, wanted to know if I was sitting down. I lied and said yes. A friend of my Mom’s gave her a check for $2000 for our adoption fund. She called me crying.

Uh…

Yeah

Stunned

Um…

Wow!

I just kept asking "are you kidding me?!"

Really, are you kidding me?!!

She didn't sound like she was kidding.

Uh...

Thank You Jesus!

Backing up a little bit. This morning I saw our adoption bank account balance which has swelled because our Federal Tax Return was deposited in there. And the checks from the first fund raiser have not been processed yet so that money isn't even in there yet. Can I just say that this is starting to look like one of the wildest rides of my life?

Pardon me, I think I must go cry now.

Jesus, is this real? I'm not dreaming this, right?

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Report from Art & Chocolate

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 09:06:50 -0700

Well, the big fundraiser weekend is over and I’m sitting at my desk feeling rather amazed about the whole thing!

I got off work Friday and went straight over to the church to get started wrapping up details. I decorated sugar cookies and worked on displays in the fellowship hall. There were a number of friends there working on pulling together the donations for a huge yard sale. They worked until late and it was fun to have their company in the fellowship hall as we worked. My in-laws arrived from Indiana and even though they looked quite tired, Hubby’s mom helped set out jewelry boxes and a variety of other things. Hubby and his dad went off to bring us some ice cream and we sat for a while with the marvelous flavors they brought from a new ice cream shop in town. Yummm... I worked for a bit longer and then we sent the in-laws to my parent’s home for the night.

Saturday morning I took my time getting going because I was tired from a long week of preparation. Hubby’s mom arrived and started to help me finish up some chocolate and put together the last of the displays in the fellowship hall. Hubby’s dad and hubby spent most of the day working on a few things around the house, including a new faucet in the bathroom and a new valve on the water heater and the window air conditioner installed. Hubby and father-in-law went for Sub sandwiches for dinner and as we were finishing up my parents arrived with the fruit and vegetables. The Mothers put out the chocolate as I showed them where it went and we put out all the other munchies as well. As we were finishing up the food displays and lighting candles, the first guests started to arrive. And at 7:00 when the fund raiser was officially starting, there were maybe 4 or 5 guests. After a while though, the numbers started to swell and we had a crowd.

A friend of mine is a professional violinist and she brought along a friend who plays harp and they played music for the event and really did a lovely job! What a blessing they are and a beautiful addition to the evening!

At about 8:00 we showed the video that I made a while back giving some of our history in this journey toward parenthood. I watched people watching the video and was blessed by how people allowed themselves to connect emotionally with it. I think it is a lot to swallow in the five minutes of the video since it represents an often painful journey, but at least it is mercifully short. I found myself comforting my friends who were moved by my story. How’s that for a strange twist?!

The Art

I had small tables with a jewelry and artwork of a variety of media. I also had a table where I had old jewelry that was significantly reduced in price. The SALE table. That may well have been the hit of the evening. Most of the time there were ladies huddled around that table trying things on and giving each other feedback. It was fun to interact with the people the same way I did when I had the gallery. I could help them choose things that looked good on them, and make suggestions on things they should try on. It was a very interesting evening and I really enjoyed interacting with “clientele” again. And I saw quite a bit of that jewelry Sunday morning in church – which was a delightful surprise in some cases because I did not take care of the money so I had no idea who had purchased what. I really enjoyed that.

The Chocolate

We had a whole table of just chocolate. I had made twelve kinds of truffles and caramels and my Mom brought another three kinds in addition to the cookies that both of us made. And because there were so many choices, people may have been a little overwhelmed. So I found them gathered around the table making recommendations to each other on which ones “you just have to try!” I heard special compliments on the lemon truffle and the marzipan which was a favorite of quite a few folks. Surprisingly, the dark chocolate truffle with cinnamon, nutmeg and cayenne pepper was a favorite for quite a few people. I was very surprised by that but it is a completely unique flavor to an American palette. And of course the South American dulce de leche cashew was widely favored. Yummmmm! My very favorite truffle of them all (a Hazelnut crème) never actually made it to the table though we did use it in the assortments that we made. And a friend of mine later remarked that the chocolate wasn’t like home-made chocolate, it was like a cute boutique chocolate – “you know, the good stuff.” That was a really sweet compliment and it felt really good to hear that.

Before the event we made plates that had one of each kind of chocolate. We carefully wrapped them up and set them aside for people who had ordered via email. I’ll be mailing these out this week to friends, plus we sent some via family members. It will be fun to hear how these go over with those who receive them over the next few days or so.

At the end of “Art & Chocolate” I went to my dad who had been manning the check out station. I asked him about the total and he had me guess. My guess was low. Hubby had a number in his mind that he was hoping for. And when my Dad showed him the figure, it was double what hubby had hoped for! Yeah, talk about dropping my chin to the floor. My response was “holy cow!” but we quickly changed it to “hallelujah!” It had been a small and very casual crowd, they were comfortable and enjoyed each other’s company. And they blessed us WAY beyond our expectations! I have not seen the checks, and I don’t know who gave what. My dad took care of all of that. But it really packs a bunch when you see a big figure and know it translates into being that much closer to bringing our children home. What an amazing thing is unfolding in my life!

The crowd thinned out and I started packing up the artwork and jewelry. And the Mothers worked on the leftover chocolates, putting them out on plates in nice assortments and my Father-in-law carefully wrapped each one in plastic wrap. We had 25 or so of these assortments prepared after the event. So we gained permission and made a quick announcement in church Sunday morning that they would be available in the fellowship hall. Well after the service let out, Hubby’s Mom and I quickly sold those plates to the crowd of people that were sucked in like magnets. As people shoved cash my direction and wrote checks, it was another overwhelming moment for the weekend. Some dear folks were just too late and it was gone. People wrote checks for more than the chocolate, and some wrote checks without even taking any chocolate. A friend looked me in the eye and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was going to go home and bawl because I was overwhelmed. She hugged me tight as I tried to pull myself together.

After church, and after the chocolate blitz we went to my favorite place for lunch. And then home where I folded my tired bod into my bed and vanished from consciousness until someone gently shook me and said it was time. The in-laws, hubby and I drove up to my parents home, planted ourselves around the kitchen table and enjoyed leftovers from the event. Fresh fruit (including kumquats – which I really like) and fresh vegetables. We popped some of the lady finger popcorn that my in-laws buy and yes… we shared a plate of chocolates. Yummm! Still good! We talked and played Rook (an ethnic Mennonite card game) into the night.

I’m humbled and amazed. Really! I’m trying to take lots of photographs and write it all down. I can’t trust my memory to keep it. Our children need to know how much anticipation and generosity went into bringing them home. If they can understand the miracle that brings them to us at some point in their lives... well, that will indeed be a beautiful thing! For now I’m struggling to get my own mind around it. Humbled. And Amazed.

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Reba McEntire and our Adoption

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 06:58:18 -0700

What does one have to do with the other? This weekend someone handed me an envelope of signed photographs for our silent auction adoption fund raiser coming up in June. Kelly Clarkson, Reba McEntire and Toby Keith are the three photos with big splashy signatures. I have no idea what this sort of thing is worth but I appreciate the gift! Now I need to put them somewhere where they won’t get bent… or forgotten. Hmmm…

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Chocolate Covered Truth

nobody@vox.com(Artzy Carmen) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 10:06:04 -0700

Well, I love creating big events. I really enjoy the challenge of creating a celebration that people will enjoy. I haven’t done this since the Katrina Benefit concert and I’m feeling all kinds of insecurities with this one. I don’t mind raising money for any good cause – but when the money goes to benefit me, (well, our adoption) suddenly I’m all bashful. I’ve been just thinking of these events as a way to share the joy of this adoption with our friends and family, I just have to stay focused on that.

I’ve really been through the ringer with this event though, so many fears and insecurities have really been playing leap frog through my head. What if the (name of family from church) family shows up with their (I can’t remember how many) unfettered children? They’d make short work of a bunch of dainty chocolate, those kids have skills! And there is that dear sweet man that puts away a whole huge portion of desert in the time it takes him to walk from the buffet back to his table. Then it’s time to go back and fill that empty plate. Suddenly I’m frightened of a grown man and little grabby children!?! THEY should be afraid of ME! LOL!

On the flip side, I’m terrified that my mother may be right. Oh, she says I’ve made waaaay too much. And she doesn’t like the flavors I made and on and on. Hubby thinks people may treat the truffles like M&M’s. I even fear that there is a chance that we went to all this trouble for a very small crowd. But I’ve made flavors that I think are really really good, so if there are lots and lots of leftovers I’ll just pretend I’m a member of the above mentioned family. And then I’ll pack up a bunch up to give away to people I like.

The in-laws are coming, the in-laws are coming. Yeah, the same father-in-law who wants to ask the owner of the gallery why that painting isn’t $8 instead of $4000. He’s an adorable sweet little man, but “Art & Chocolate” isn’t exactly his thing. And Hubby’s Mom will be a big help with food and clean up. And when the event is over, I’ll be vanishing to nap for a nice long while and leaving the in-laws for Hubby to entertain. That will be lovely.

Come to think of it, I have conservative Mennonite family members who may feel a little uncomfortable with this event. I make my living selling things like jewelry – which is something they don’t wear because of their scriptural convictions. And their church doesn’t allow musical instruments and we’ll have a violin and harp duo there. I am free to create my work outside their realm, indeed I feel that I have a scriptural mandate to release the beauty of God in the earth. I happen to do that through jewelry and I have no apologies for anyone on that.

So even with all my insecurities and fears, I am going to make it through this event. It was great to read R.G. Ryan’s post this morning and it really helped me to kick in some perspective. I AM GOING (pant!) to MAKE IT (pant pant!) through (pant, pant!) this event! It’s Art & Chocolate – what’s not to love?! And if it is horrible, I’ll go home and take a pain pill and go to bed. And then it really will be sweet.

With a nod to R.G. Ryan’s “Toxic Thought” post this morning, here is a fresh perspective. You see, the truth of this event is simple. I’m an artistically gifted individual. Don’t worry – that’s not as arrogant as it sounds. Cause I know that this gift did not come from me so I can’t take the credit. We ARE ALL GIFTED in some way or another as God chooses. I happen to be able to create art and people don’t seem to have any problem buying it up. I happen to love sharing really marvelous chocolate, and I know that sometimes people really don’t mind buying that either. (At least I don’t mind shelling out big bucks for the good stuff.) And when it came time to celebrate the fact that it seems that God is FINALLY going to allow us to become a family – well – what better way to celebrate than to share a bit of who we are with our friends and family? So yeah, I’ve had a real time of it with this event. I’ve been very insecure and afraid at times. But that doesn’t change the pure and simple truth of the purpose of the evening. We are going to be who we are and share ourselves with our friends and family as they share in the process of bringing home our children. And I think that’s cool. No matter how freaked out I am about it.

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