Confessions of an ex-church leader

I used to love being in church and being involved in all kinds of stuff happening there.  But right now I can barely make myself attend church.  We go to a good church – much better than that last nightmare we attended for five years.  (What was that about anyway?!)  NO, it's not a perfect church - mainly cause I'm there.  But still, I’m not invested there, I fail to see the point of going through those motions and generally I miss the point of getting up early to go observe the same stuff over again.  I have the sneaking suspicion that if I told my Pastor that, I’d be considered in need of prayer or something.  Go ahead, pray for me, I need it.  (Don’t treat me like a mission project though – that doesn’t work real well with me.)  Cause if church bores me, something must be wrong with me.  Well, I don’t actually believe that.  I actually believe something is wrong with church - but I digress. 

Going to church and finding that everyone else seems happy with how things are – it just makes me feel like the closeted bitch for my secret fears, frustrations and unmet expectations.  I used to have an aquaintance with God, He used to like me a good bit.  I don't know what happened to that.  And I know there is more out there than seems available to me at the moment.  I don’t get it.  I think people at church must think I’m a real grumpy bitch, but I’m just not seeing the point of pretending that I like it when I don’t.  And my husband won’t let me be someone who doesn’t attend church.  So I’m a little caught in a crappy place with this whole thing.  I don’t like it much, no siree. 

Church leaders talked to the hubby and I about the possibility of leading a thing that would look maybe a tiny bit different.  Good God, I didn’t want it to be only a TINY bit different – I want the WHOLE FREAKIN REVOLUTION!  I guess I shouldn’t say that too loudly.  (ooopps, tooo late!)  I know that our leadership isn’t much into the girls doing stuff in church and the only reason I was included in the conversation (bein female and all) is because I used to lead worship.  Years ago.  A lifetime ago really.  And I said I’d never go back.  But they didn’t stop to ask about that part.  Some assumptions have been made.  I wanted to be included in the conversation so I haven't popped their little assumption balloon yet.  The conversation has never gotten really deep enough to include that bit anyway.  So I’m included in the conversation because it seems like we’d be good – the really sweet guy with the pastoring gifts servant's heart and his wife who used to lead worship and seems generally talented for whatever else we might need done.  We seem pretty normal, willing to serve and generally nice folks.  (Well, I haven't been so nice lately.)  Seems like those two could get the job done.  Oh wait…  what is the matter with this picture? 

I want to be involved in something new, something that is real and actually works for me.  But…  I don’t know that this is it.  And I don’t see any movement forward with it anyway.  It’s all been just talk this year so far.  All talk and no action.  So here I am.  I still fail to see the point.  And maybe I’m a bit frustrated with God for the lack of Him in this current situation.  What seems to be missing in my church experience?  Well, uh… for starters – the blaring absense of the divine "Himself."  Oh well, I have a hard time forcing myself to show up, why should anyone else - much less HIM?!