Cha-Cha-Change

I fear that I am fundamentally and annoyingly flawed.  On the other hand, this has worked for me so far...  And I’m wondering if I really have the actual desire to change. 

I grew up in a home of workaholic entrepreneurs.  My brother was older than me and out of the house pretty quickly, so I was home alone a lot.  Sometimes I was frightened and would hide in the house away from the windows.  I was convinced someone was watching me.  Other times I’d play piano into the darkness and my worries and fears just melted away as I and my piano sang out musical prayers.  My parents were gone a lot.  Sometimes I was sent to my grandmother’s house for safe keeping and the two of us would work, eat, or watch tv together.  Whether it was a result of my growing up experiences or just a matter of preference – I grew into being alone and began to prefer it.  Maybe just for the familiarity of it all.  Maybe for the way I could organize and order my own world without distractions. 

I remain a strongly task oriented person, that has been a constant theme in my nearly 40 years.  Sometimes I prefer a task to be accomplished to time spent with people.  Yet I need the companionship.  I struggle to find the balance between alone time and time spent in the company of others.  And when I have work that is under deadline, I sometimes really dislike having people around.  Like the wedding cake this weekend – I didn’t want other people in the kitchen, but I was working in the church kitchen and could not close out the world.  I closed all the doors and that was ignored by the group in the next room and they kept up a steady stream of invasions.  I shut the door – they came in anyway and then left the door open when they left.  I got annoyed.  See?  The presence of people in my private world can sometimes be described as nothing other than an invasion.  And at the wedding I was to cut the cake.  It was too loud and too hot and I wanted nothing more than to get that over with so I could get home to my quiet sanctuary.

I know there have been many times over the years when I’ve treated people as distractions as I hyper focused on the work at hand.  I could have taken a little longer, laid down the work and zero’d in on the people.  But time after time I’ve chosen not to.  A friend of mine told me that I don’t like people.  And she’s completely right.  I don’t.  I find plenty of stupidity and annoying qualities in the general population, and people in large quantities are not to be tolerated.  But yet in another sense, I love people.  Usually in situations where people are my task – like public speaking or selling product - then I do quite well.  I love one on one in depth conversations, or a leisurely dinner with interesting people.  I have a few people in my life bugging me to go to lunch with them but I often forget to take the time to do that.  I love making improv music with a few other musicians, just waiting and watching to see where the Spirit takes us.  I even like the creative process when a number of people are engaged together in a democratic work of art.  Those kinds of things can be very cool indeed.  But they are the exception rather than the rule.

Part of it is physical pain.  I don’t want to be around people when the body hurts because it’s just so much harder to be amiable.  I get really judgemental about little things and find myself saying really rude things internally to people like:  “I’m doing my best to be nice to you and grin through the pain you want to talk to me for 20 minutes about your frumpy little PURSE!!??  I don’t give a rat’s ass about your PURSE!!! Can we move on please!!”  Thankfully I rarely open my mouth with things like that but believe me, I think it.  If they were talking about something REAL it would be no problem, but the petty little stuff really just sends me. 

I am frustrated with a diagnosis that doesn’t seem to explain what happens with me.  Why does it seem so seasonal?  I can do one set of activities one time and be perfectly fine and two months later repeat the same activity and be very nearly flat on my back from the pain.  What?  WHY!  I go to the Doc for back pain and she runs a million tests – none of which include an x-ray of my back.  So, I realize I’m not the Doc, but doesn’t it seem like you’d check the skeleton?  Argh!  I don’t want to go back and be told I’m just not lifting right and take more Advil.  Honey, I can lift RIGHT and still be in big pain the next day right now.  And I don’t WANT to be taking the pills this often… that will lead to its own set of issues and that is NOT what I consider a cure/treatment. 

I was at a band practice recently and I came in and sat down at the piano.  I was fine, but it wasn’t long before I wasn’t fine.  I got really antsy and then I started to communicate with the leader that it would be cool if we could get the show on the road (quit lollygagging around) and get out of there soon.  I guess he wasn’t real fond of the vibe he was getting because he stopped all of us to pray.  That’s when I realized that I was antsy because I was having a back episode and the pain was steadily increasing the longer I sat on that piano bench and I needed to get home right away and lie down.  I had made the commitment to be there and felt that I couldn’t leave without drawing undo attention to myself.  Yet I had no pain killer in my purse and there wasn’t anything I could do about this escalation of pain in my back.  I was fighting to keep it together, sometimes just on the verge of tears.  That time I wasn’t rude to anyone, I just went really internal and quiet and fought to keep my focus on the music.  And the second he released us I was out of there like a flash.  I went home and after a while the meds kicked in and I was fine.  The major frustration was simply wanting to be alone when the pain had started to increase.  I just wanted nothing more than to be at home alone.

So does my preference for isolation come from the way I was raised, or is it a matter of my design?  Or is it something that I unconsciously chose because of the way my body feels at times?  I don’t know.  I am coming to believe that it’s time to be a little more aware of what happens when I’m working and someone distracts or interrupts or seeks to break my focus.  I am fully capable of being a rude bitch but I hate myself when I go there.  So as an old friend would say  “There is a ditch on either side of the road.”  I have to find that place of balance where I can work with people around and take the time to focus on THEM when need be.  Sometimes that means that I’ll be working on a project a little longer… which may also mean I’m putting off relief for my back.  Oh well.  I know in my head and heart that there are people who are SO worth it.  And I already have been given amazing opportunities to invest in people and I have loved being able to do that.  I guess I’m sensing that this is just the next level.  I’ve got to be able to prioritize the focus, sometimes the people will be more important than the task.  Even if it prolongs the pain. 

I see the need for change.  And I’m trying to be willing to change.  I know God can help me change.  Although I must admit... I DON'T want any circumstances to test whether or not I have actually changed.  J