Achieving Balance

is so much harder than it seems like it should be.  But that's what I'm looking for.  Balance.  I know my days as a cake decorator are numbered and I know I want to go back to full time artist as soon as possible.  I’m just trying to get an image in my head of what will work for me.  Especially in light of some physical issues I’m dealing with.

I struggle with back pain.  And I really thought I’d found a good solution when I pulled out an old pain prescription and cut the pills in half.  I could use one half of a pill on a day when the pain levels were higher and achieve a pretty nice six hours of relief along with an emotional lift.  I wasn’t using it often – maybe only once a week.  But it was working for me.  Then my current doctor said two things.  First, the prescription was out of date.  Second, this pain med is addictive.  *gulp!*  She said to go back to Advil.  *grump!*  But it just doesn’t work as well and I feel like I’m taking so much and still not getting much relief.  I’m frustrated!

With this in mind I’m trying to give some thought to how I want things to be.  I know I can not decorate cakes all day, it kills my back.  And I’ve been reminded over the last few days that I can not sit at the desk in the studio all day, working on the computer or making jewelry, it kills my back.  So even though I love to immerse myself in my work – I can’t. 

I’m one of those people with “hyper-focus” which means when I’m in, I’m pretty much all in.  I hate interruptions and I can go on a single project for days while everything else just kind of fades into the background except for the work.  That is my preferred mode, and the way I’m wired.  But my body just can’t take working like that anymore.  I’ve got to change, because my body already has started to change.  But mentally and emotionally, I’m still going to be focused and committed to the things I’m working on.  How can I work within the framework of my own skin?  I am really not sure.

I have not given notice at the bakery for that one reason.  As I left the bakery this afternoon I wondered to myself why I’m still there.  There are aspects about it that I really find frustrating and parts I enjoy, but right now the frustrations are considerably outweighing the rest.  Why am I doing this to myself?  Well, mainly because I realize that quitting that job and going back to full time jewelry design is not going to fix the chronic pain I feel in my back.  And that is the real frustration.  So I really don’t know what to do. 

Balance.  Seems like it would be as simple as standing on one foot and compensating by shifting my weight.  It's just not as easy as it looks.