I saw a friend’s facebook status update.  She hates Mother’s Day because of the recent loss of her mother.  My heart went out to her.  I have grown to hate Mother’s Day, but for different reasons.

My hubby and I don’t have children and I learned over the years not to put myself through going to church on Mother’s and Father’s Days.  Generally speaking for a childless couple, church on those days is an exercise in innocent torture devices.  And since I’m no fan of silent unseen knives and daggers… I’ve learned to skip.

I remember walking in on a conversation that my Father-in-law was having with someone about Father’s Day at church.  He was griping that their church didn’t celebrate it much because it caused pain for infertile couples and he went on at length about how wrong that was.  He said being a father is something that should be celebrated and he didn’t know why that should be taken away from him just because some people are touchy.  He said he’d been a good father and he was proud of that.  And in his opinion this sensitivity thing had gone so far that it took the fun out of things for everyone.  I said nothing, just walked away as he continued to expound on the theme.  I suppose it was worth pointing out that one infertile couple in a congregation can ruin the celebration of Mother’s Day for everyone by being all selfish and thin skinned (providing the celebration has actually been tailored with any sensitivity whatsoever.)  It really is such an audacity to suggest that church should NOT be the place where one’s raw places are treated to a deluxe case of superiority and insensitivity.  And yes, he knew I was in the room observing the conversation.  And yes, he knew our situation.  And yes, he blithered on like a leaky faucet anyway.  (Emphatic Explicative!) 

Jesus said "Forgive them for they know not what they do."  But what about when they DO know what they are doing and do it anyway?  Still then?  (Yeah!)  There are aspects of this "follower of Jesus" thing is no walk in the park.  Good thing I don't have to do it by myself.

I’ve seen the outline for the service for Sunday.  I’ve been given the week off the worship team and I will be mercifully absent.  And I suspect there will be some other empty seats as well.  Hubby on the other hand, has to run sound and will attend despite what is planned.

I’m glad there is a Mother’s Day.  I wouldn’t want to dampen the joy for anyone because motherhood is indeed a cool thing.  All kinds of deserving (and undeserving) mammals get the singular pleasure of delivering a beautiful tiny helpless version of them (or die trying.)  And generally speaking, after the initial mess is over with, baby animals are really cool, especially baby humans.  There is so much destiny and purpose in each deep breath of life filling up those tiny lungs!  Yeah, there is definitely something about the little screamers!

And one day that will be me.  We have started the adoption process and it’s entirely possible that my children are already out there somewhere.  And if they are born, then they are already mine – whether or not I can hold them tonight.  But we are not far enough along in the process to have a referral so it’s still pretty hard to wrap my head around that at the moment.  We’re just in a weird in-between phase.  And maybe this will be my last year skipping the indecencies of a Sunday morning torture session.  And maybe not.

There will come a time when I’ll celebrate Mother’s Day with my children around me, grateful that finely there was an answer to a prayer I’ve prayed for nearly two decades.  But I’ll never celebrate without an eye out for those with tears in their eyes on that day.  And I’ll understand far too well why their spot at church may be empty on certain Sundays.  And I’ll add my own prayers to all of theirs in the hopes that God will give them the desires of their hearts.  Yes, my turn will come.  But I will never forget what it was like to be on the outside looking in.  Yes, for a long time, all Abraham had were the stars in a dark night sky.

We’ll, time for a little update I suppose.

Tonight we enjoyed watching a stage production of Peter Pan.  A friend of ours played “Mr. Darling” and it was very cute.  This is not a story I grew up with and I knew it only in a peripheral sort of way.  I was surprised with how chauvinistic the roles were, the girl being a mom to all the boys, making the meal, and doing the annual Spring cleaning.  Peter Pan pretending to be the father with his chair and pipe.  And I was also surprised with how the Indian characters were coreographed in the most stereotypical way possible.  I know I’m an uncommon woman, but as I child I never pretended I was a mother or that I was cooking or spring cleaning for anyone – ever!  It wouldn’t have occurred to me.  Now I did pretend I was on stage singing or playing piano for thousands, hosting a cooking show or designing doll clothing or designing the interior of a shoe box with blocks for furniture.  You know, all the normal stuff.  J  (for an artist.)

I’ve started making my own mineral makeup.  It’s an interesting process and I’m learning a lot as I go along.  I managed to get a really good match to my own skin tone, that was surprisingly easy.  Most mineral makeup is far too yellow for my skin but I was able to work it out by adding pigments and then using the back of my hand to match the color.  I’ve got a good eye for color so it wasn’t that hard to get it right.  It seems to me that I should be able to get pretty close for other people’s coloring as well.  And now that I’ve got all the stuff, I might as well make it available to my friends.  I’ve worn the product a couple days and it covers more than any other mineral makeup I’ve worn and that’s kind of interesting.  I guess this formula is a bit more like a concealor than a foundation.  So I’ll keep messing around with the formula for the light coverage and good for your skin qualities that are so cool about mineral makeup.  I refuse to use that Bismuth stuff that is in cheap mineral makeup that is actually an “inorganic” (not a mineral at all) that is just cheap filler and actually known to cause issues for some people.  So I’m fascinated by this for the moment.  We’ll see where it takes me.

I’m laptop computer shopping.  Yeah, it’s time to purchase a computer that will be able to handle the next round of software I’m going to try to get for my business.  I’d love Adobe Photoshop and Dreamweaver, we’ll see if I can pull together that kind of cash.  It’s a big investment and I’m not a professional designer (well, I used to draw logos for a marketing firm but I haven’t done that for a while) so it’s a bit difficult to justify.  However, buying Dreamweaver is certainly cheaper than hiring a web designer who knows dhtml so as long as I can continue to put together all my own websites, then that’s good for me.  I wish I could figure out a way to learn how to code dynamic html websites without having to put out the big bucks!  I’ll keep researching it, it is still possible that some of the features I need are already in the Frontpage software that I already have.  I don’t think Frontpage uses CSS though, so I’ll keep researching that.  I’ve also put in some time researching shopping carts and setting up a website to sell products using PayPal.com.  I’ve giving some thought to a commerce website and exploring some of the other options with that as well.  The wheels, they are a-turning!  If you've been there, done that - pass along any pointers!  (I had a yahoo store for a while and that just isn't what I want.)

I’ve made lots of different kinds of soap lately.  Some of it really turned out beautifully.  (And some of it had to be completely melted down and rebatched.)  I’ve got about ten different kinds now and I’m especially happy with the colors and fragrances and my favorite of the moment is a Milk and Honey bar that I think is especially cute.  I’ll try to take photos and post them one of these days.  I’m really happy with how that adventure is going.  And my soap has been accepted in a local gallery, so that’s kind of cool.  I have tentative word that my alphabet photography has also been accepted there.  So I just need to pack up a bunch of stuff and take it to them and see what happens.

I need to spend a little time with the jewelry again.  I have a wholesale order waiting on enough money to be able to click the “checkout” button.  But I think I’m going to give that some serious thought and maybe go in a different direction altogether.  There are just so many different options with jewelry design that keeping it fresh is really not that hard to do – it’s just a matter of deciding what to explore.  So many ideas, so little time.

The good folks at the Library have invited me to come and do a cake demonstration for them.  They’ve given me an hour and I’m supposed to carve, ice and decorate a cake into the shape of a book and talk to them as I do it.  Then they’ll all eat the cake and that will be that.  It sounds like it could be fun.  Boss Lady told me to think about jokes to tell and ways to make it fun and interesting.  I’ve never really thought about cake decorating as a performance art, so this will be interesting indeed.  Anything for a change of pace I suppose.  Who knows, I may decide that I really like pretending to host a cake decorating show.  J

Well, it’s getting late and the morning has a way of coming round on a regular basis.  So I shall curl up next to my snoring hubby and see where the Dream Giver takes me.

Goodnight foxy voxers

And sweet dreams

Funky Floral Cake

For a bridal shower where the bride hates pastel colors.  They asked for fun, funky and bright.

Antzy cake

I was finishing up the order and Boss Lady was standing there looking at the cake.  And I said "Yah know, I'd just like to do a row of ants all the way around the border of the cake."  She squeeled and laughed and told me to do it.  And she promised to take the heat if the client complained.  :D  So those little black dashes...

I think this is a very reasonable approach to rising gas prices.  And kudos to Obama for communicating effectively AGAIN!  My...  he is fine!

A friend sent out a mass email this morning about tomorrow being the National Day of Prayer and how important it is to pray.  And my initial reaction was strong and negative.  It was “What good is prayer when hearts and minds of the people are already made up and God has been stuffed in a tiny little church shaped box, sealed with a kiss and put on the upper shelf in the closet?” 

Uh…

yeah! 

Surprised me too!

And this is exactly what pastor preached about Sunday.  He talked about how we quit praying when we get disillusioned about how ineffective our prayers sometimes feel.  And I watched a beautiful couple come forward and pray again for children.  And since I’ve been there I about lost it.  I was playing piano and could clearly see the pain in their prayer.  It was horrible in a really risky vulnerable beautiful sort of way.  Lots of tears and in that little clump of praying faithful ones.

So… I’m trying to wriggle my way out of my unbelief and fatalism and try on something a little more like hope and faith…  Yeah, let’s pray for our nation tomorrow.  Not because it’s the National Day of Prayer (which means little to me.)  But because God is big enough to change hearts and minds, and prayer is still the avenue he chooses to use to bring about that change.  We need Him.  I need Him.  I have friends who need Him.  My children need Him.  Yeah, but most of all I need Him.

I have followed the Rev Jeremiah Wright story a little bit.  I don’t watch much in the way of network news so I’ve missed *some* of the flurry of sound bytes.  I spent some time on YouTube watching some of Rev Wright’s speeches in full.  Not just the ten second bytes.  I am no expert on this man but I have felt very sympathetic toward him, thrust as he has been, into a spotlight he didn’t ask for.  Well, he doesn’t seem to mind it really, now does he?!

I’ve heard his recent comments quoted on NPR.  A few interesting tidbits include references to the tragic Tuskegee Syphilis Study.  And something about AIDS being caused by the US government.  And a few other things that I’ve also heard from economically challenged members of the black community.  Considered opinions as to the injustice of the US government toward her own people.  Are these opinions widely held?  It would seem so.  And I sympathize.  When something is widely perceived as truth, the actual truth is of little consequence.  But when these things are said in the light of day with a white audience, people get a little shocked.  And perhaps rightly so.  I’ve been very surprised the whole time this story ran, wondering how it ever got to the air waves.

Here’s the thing I find most unsettling.  Obama has denounced Rev Wright in the strongest possible terms.  Yet the good Rev has only articulated what many Afro-American’s believe.  And here is a charming black pastor, who seems to be saying in effect “Come on Obama, fess up!  We all know you agree with me.”  It’s almost as if Rev Wright is defining what it means to be a Black, Christian, and Democrat in America.  It’s as if Obama has crossed the line and there is the good Reverend calling him back into the fold.  No thanks!  I didn’t like it when the Republicans told us what it meant to be White and Christian (backed by Reverands Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell) and I don’t like it now.  (There is more to leadership than being AGAINST some things.) 

The good Rev Wright is Wrong.  If there is a possibility that a good man, who happens to be Christian and Democrat can make a difference in the future of this country and begin to be a positive change against that injustice that angers those with a conscience…      If someone could take the power in Washington out of the hands of the wealthy few and put it into the hands of the people…      If decency and compassion could be seen as signs of integrity rather than weakness…      If the blood-letting of the Iraq war could come to a close…     If one man has the audacity to hope, and more than a million contributors share this audacity...     If any of these things could be seen on the horizon in American politics, wouldn’t it just be time to take your wounded pride, sit down and shut up?!

No, this is the land of free speech.  We don’t keep silence here.  Hate speech, inappropriate speech, stupid speech, lewd language, not to mention propaganda and spin.  Our speech may be free but amongst all the babble the truth is increasingly difficult to find.   

JoY framed

ooOOOpppsy!  I've been FRAMING... silly me! 

CAT framed

I am hoping to have my alphabet photography juried into a local gallery and so I’ve framed up some words to give them a feel for how they look so they can pass judgment.

DOG framed

It really is fun to see this sort of thing come together.  So take a look and let me know what you think. 

Hope 2

It would have been easiest to make all the letters available unframed and people can find their own frames at Target or Michael’s or wherever, then they don’t have to worry about transporting glass (or shipping glass which can be a real nightmare) and such. 

LOVE framed

But it’s also great for people to see how nicely they frame up and how the word really begins to show up rather than just a few quirky photographs stuck together.  I must be easy to please, but this really has been fun!  

Peace 2

I adore my UPS man!  Three (yes, count em) boxes came this afternoon.  I don’t get to see my UPS guy very often since I closed my gallery so now it is a real treat to see Mr Brown lookin all strong and efficient!

I’ve taken special interest in seeing exactly how fast I can blow through my Virginia State Tax return.  I’m pretty good at this, believe me!

The first box was from QVC (don’t judge me.)  I took advantage of a “today’s special value” offer on Philosophy products.  Cause I’m a philosophy girl and I love everything they make that I’ve ever tried!  Which is why I am 39 1/2 but can pass for not a day over 39 1/4!  *giggle!*

The second box was full of thirty pounds of white powder, some of which had leaked and it looked like the plastic bags inside were broken.  Turns out it is three bags and they aren’t actually broken, though they are a royal white powdery mess.  One has sodium bicarbonate, the other corn starch and the third bag is ten pounds of citric acid.  Now if I were to dump all that in a bathtub of water right now, it would probably blow the bathroom off my house.  And while I ponder the various delightful aspects of that idea, I had to remind myself of why such an obscenely heavy box ever made it to my studio to begin with.  Because I’ve paid $2 for a tiny little container of citric acid and by comparison this huge box was a steal.  So I’ve got enough “spa soak” for all of Vox to have delightful fizzy baths every day for a week!  Oy!

The final box included thirty pounds of soap.  Yeah!  They come in gigantic bars that weigh five pounds each.  I recently had my soap excepted into a gallery in Harrisonburg so now I have the supplies to get into soap making again.  Yay!  A while back my house was all about chocolate.  Right now it looks like it’s going to be all about soap.  There isn’t much difference in working with chocolate and soap actually, except for how often I lick my fingers. 

Thank you Mr. Brown, you made my day! 

Hmmm… I take Zyrtec every day for allergies.  And my parents both tried it recently and asked me if it makes me feel really tired and worn out?  I do feel that way most of the time but had not given any thought to the possibility that the Zyrtec was the culprit.  Hmmm… I skipped my pill this morning and used the nasal spray my doc gave me.  I don’t feel nearly as tired and worn out as usual, and I’ve actually gotten some stuff done without beating myself mentally into action.  Uh…  hmmm…  I wonder what this means?  (And my head feels like crap from sinus pressure.)  I still have a good bit of it in my system and it would take some time to clear out my system.  I wonder if I was off of it for a month if I would feel better and exactly how bad the allergies would be?  Which is worse?  Worn out or constant runny stuffy nose and sinus headaches?  And the real kicker is that when I really get a big allergic reaction at a time when my immune system is low – then I invariably end up sick for a week or more.  I wonder where God keeps the replacement parts.  I could do with a whole new "air handler" system.

My Mom called, wanted to know if I was sitting down.  I lied and said yes.  A friend of my Mom’s gave her a check for $2000 for our adoption fund.  She called me crying. 

Uh… 

Yeah

Stunned

Um…

Wow!

I just kept asking "are you kidding me?!" 

Really, are you kidding me?!!

She didn't sound like she was kidding.

Uh...

Thank You Jesus!

Backing up a little bit.  This morning I saw our adoption bank account balance which has swelled because our Federal Tax Return was deposited in there.  And the checks from the first fund raiser have not been processed yet so that money isn't even in there yet.  Can I just say that this is starting to look like one of the wildest rides of my life? 

Pardon me, I think I must go cry now.

Jesus, is this real?  I'm not dreaming this, right?